Part 2 of journal
After my unsuccessful attempt, I stayed sober for a couple of years. Long enough to start believing I could have a regular life.
Then I met him.
He wrote me love letters. He sent good morning texts. He showered me with love. I really thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him.
One year into our relationship, he relapsed.
It made me mad, not because I stopped loving him, but because I could see so much potential in him. I saw who he could be. I saw what we could be. That was the moment our relationship changed.
I lost my battle with sobriety after that. The hating began again, all to stop those Morata voices in the highway. The bad thoughts continued. That went on for a couple of years until I lost everything I had and became transient.
It took getting arrested and being forced into that clinic to break the fall. We both got help together after that. I gained a little piece of myself back in there. I started putting our life back together.
But my partner was in his own depression that year. He lost his mother. He also got an extremely high paying job and was let go on day 89 of a 90 day probation, for an unfair reason. It made his depression worse.
He forgot to tell me he loved me. He forgot to kiss me. He forgot to be there for me in general, because he couldn't be there for himself.
That caused us to be trauma bonded.
Instead of talking to him, I started speaking to male friends about our relationship and how bad it was. He found those messages and accused me of cheating. In hindsight I guess I was, because I was just looking for an emotional connection.
I stopped all those conversations. I tried to fix us. I thought I was doing a great job.
Until I found a post asking for a swap, with naked pictures of myself that I did not give permission to be shared.
That's where this part ends.