I (F/30) have a good friend (F/30) who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder several years ago and has been medicated ever since. It has not been easy for her and she has had to go through many medication adjustments over the years. My friend is someone who I accepted a long time ago to be a friend who goes though extreme ups and downs, even if medicated. I know, accept, and love her that way and have compassion for how difficult life must feel for her a lot of the time.
She has gone though an extremely rough phase triggered by the end of a relationship 6 months ago. In hindsight, she has realized that her ex partner was abusive, which adds to the complexity. Throughout that time, I have tried my hardest to be a source of support, a sound board, a friend who shows that they care. Several times during this time period, she mentioned feeling suicidal. For context - we live a 6-hour drive apart. I offered to see her several times when things felt very raw and it either did not work out or she simply did not have the capacity.
Since that breakup, she had at least two manic episodes and the switches are pretty extreme. She goes from thinking she's fallen in love with someone new and talking about nothing else to depression. From stating this person was an angel on earth to saying things like "I have zero interest in person XY. Why would I date someone who is less athletic than me." It has been difficult to follow to say the least. She has also shown intense aggression over other friends, insulting them behind their backs for no real apparent reason other than them not showing up for her the way she needs it. She has gotten increasingly radial in the past few months to a point where I do not agree with how she speaks about others.
She recently came to visit my town, told me last minute while on the drive here, and told me she was staying with someone else. I felt hurt that she did not consider me at all in her plans, especially since we had not seen each other in months at that point. I expressed some sadness about this but also made it clear I would love to see her and make time. She ended up telling me she was having a hard time and had no capacity to see me. I was very sad, but sucked it up and asked her if she was okay. I did not get a response for over a week, despite reaching out again and asking if she was alright and that I was worried. Eventually, she reached out again just saying she was not able to respond even though she knew she should.
I am at a loss to be honest. I have always had a lot of understanding and compassion for her and I don't have the same expectations for her as I have for other friends, because I understand being bipolar makes consistency and emotional regulation so much harder. But I am hurt. I feel like I show up over and over, give and care, and don't get even the minimum back. I know she cares about me but I can see she cannot show up for me whatsoever. For months, I sucked it up when I was ALWAYS the person to initiate contact, I did not take it personally when she was close by and told me she did not have the capacity to see me or when she responded with one-word replies to caring and warm messages. I have struggled with depression, I understand what it feels like when everything feels too much. But also - where do we go from here and how can I even foster a friendship if I don't feel safe to express myself because I'm so worried about her reaction?