Long post ahead, but I don’t think you’ll be bored reading it.
I am not sure if this belongs here, I thought about posting in the exmuslim sub but that sub is so immature and full of hate, I never liked it. The people here though seem to be rational and capable of holding real conversations.
I’ll try to be concise. I (24M) come from a Muslim family in the Middle East. My dad’s (61M) exclusive passion is Islam. It’s hard to classify the type of Muslim he is. He really cares about his spirituality, beliefs and practices equally. He also is known in his circles as a sheikh who gives speeches and leads prayers, but he doesn’t have a long beard. Islam to him aligns more with the salafi version but he doesn’t agree with them on a lot of things. To give you an example, he doesn’t like that my sister plays the piano because it is haram but doesn’t force her to quit it, at the same time though he believes he is sinning for allowing her to do it but thinks if he doesn’t allow her she would hate Islam. But also, he forced her (and beat her) to wear the hijab (which is a very important point for later.)
On a personal level, my dad is really very sweet. He is patient, extremely anxious about his kids. He gets involved in literally every small matter and sometimes this makes me feel like a kid he is taking care of. Which I hate btw.
When I was a teen I became extreme, it was after I met some guy in the mosque and I voluntarily held the extreme beliefs, even my dad was telling me to chill. I always had existential questions about the validity of religion but my relationship with God when I was very Muslim was too addictive I brushed off these questions until I grew older and started looking for answers. Long story short I never found answers and slowly but surely my prayers and practices became automatic and meaningless. I ended up leaving Islam, and spent a few years building up a whole new system for myself (which is something I really don’t want anyone to go through) I never told my family about it. I knew I’d break their hearts and they won’t understand it. Until one day I thought that I really love my parents and if I love someone, being honest with them is how you truly show them that you appreciate them. This also happened after dad was suspicious of me not praying and it was kinda obvious I felt like we were avoiding addressing the elephant in the room.
So I asked my parents out to a cafe and told them where I stand. I didn’t say I left, but told them I have a lot of unanswered questions and prayer to me is meaningless.
I thought they’d appreciate the honesty. But I was WRONG!!! I saw this man crying in front of my eyes. I saw him beating the table in front of him with his hand. I saw his heart broken through his eyes. I hugged him and cried. I said sorry but wtf would it do? I got really sad after that. I had expected things to go through a tough time, but it was really overwhelming.
What followed was to see someone who was probably the closest to me in my life broken hearted. You look at his eyes and you can see how his heart is shattering 24/7, and the worst thing is that you are the reason for that. I regretted telling them, and I still do.
He started talking to me about religion, only focusing on the eternal hell I will end up in. He told me if I die there is nothing he can tell God about me cuz I am a kafir. He said if I die tomorrow he won’t pray on me, and he will tell people not to, cuz religion comes always first to him. He would send me voice notes saying all of that, then send another one saying he is sorry cuz he was aggressive. Then he would send another one telling me my questions are bs and he figured them out in a quick research and I have three days to figure my beliefs out cuz I can’t take forever to think.
And yes, I can sound bad. But I understand this man’s reality. I was there when I was extreme. Religion is literally your every reality. Everything else is not worth a damn compared to it. According to these beliefs, I am going to hell for eternity and there is nothing he could do to salvage me. He sees his son, who he had thought planted his biggest passion in burning all of his efforts in front of his eyes. I completely do understand him and feel so guilty about it.
I also feel stuck. I really want to do a proper research about religions but I can’t with Islam being linked to him.
Ready for the next bomb?
That is my sister(F19), who was forced to wear the hijab by him when she was 11 maybe. This sister has always been different, she and I always clicked in crazy ways. The way she thinks reminds me of myself when I was her age. The same weird thoughts and how unconnected and weird we have always felt towards society and what they care for. I never tried to influence her regarding religion. She just would start convos about hijab and religion and how she is not convinced by neither of them with me and I would tell her some of what I think cuz I truly didn’t want to influence her. Until it was obvious she left so then I told her.
Anyways, she started going to college a year ago, in her first semester she wore the hijab, she was really miserable, no friends, no self esteem, she said she wasn’t herself she couldn’t approach people. Second semester she started taking the hijab off in college and wearing it in front of parents. She felt better, she started making friends, felt way more confident in herself, I finally saw her happy. I told her though it is a matter of time and they will know and that, ladies and gentlemen, happened very shortly after someone (who thought they get close to God by doing so) told parents.
Dad’s reaction just got waaaaay worse. He felt like he lost everything. He said he felt like a failure, he thought he was doing a good job in raising his kids and now feels like he wants to go to another Islamic country and teach the Quran to the people there.
He got extremely mad, told my sister he will never ever allow her to take it off as long as he is alive and she is under his guardianship. He said he can’t meet God with allowing his kid to take it off.
I told him if you do this you’ll lose her. She also reminded him of how she wore the hijab. I told him I understand how he feels and I don’t have a solution for it but if he actually suffocates her he will indeed lose her. And idk maybe he will think later it is better to do so cuz of course religion comes first.
My sister is broken and sad. Im really worried about her exams in college. I told her I will be behind her back always. But also my heart breaks for my dad. He is in his sixties, the content we consume on the internet he doesn’t consume. His way of thinking is completely closed and it’s kind of impossible to change his way of thinking. He is getting religious more and more. He even started writing and researching some of the questions I had and sending them to me.
I really regret telling him, and I am at a loss. I can’t research religion properly, I can’t calm him down. I definitely learned that honesty is bad especially for that generation, and they want to live in a superficial life but I can’t change a man in his 60s. I just want to give him peace.
I thought about gradually pretending to be Muslim. Praying in front of him, and gradually telling him that I realized I messed up. I think that is the only way I could help him from my end. You can’t imagine how heavy and wrong that feels to me but I will have to suck it up and do it. Yes I will be resentful towards him, but I will be moving out soon, so I won’t have a lot of closure to him.
I feel like that t least will calm him down a bit. Regarding my sisters situation, my house will be hers, but I feel really bad for her. She is still 19, her traveling abroad is going to be off the table after dad knew about this. And I feel so damn privileged because I am a man. And ngl, all of this makes me realize how messed up religion is and how it is based on shallowness and fake things, but that is not what I am here for. Idk what she should do or how to handle the situation.
Idk how to handle this. Dad says this is the worst thing that has happened to him in his entire life. Sister is broken. When I told mom dad will lose sister if he suffocates her she said she will lose him if she chooses to take the hijab off. I am stuck. Will things get better with time? Will my dad get a heart attack and die? Should we accept that my dad’s relationship with my sister will be broken forever? Should I pitch my sister runs away? I told my sister to do her proper research about religion and see why she doesn’t wear the hijab. She is the type who would only do something if it makes sense to her. But how is she gong to be able to research the topic with all of that mess?
So I am here just to get another perspectives, see if someone has gone through something like this. Get some advice. Maybe I can’t see things from a certain perspective. So id really appreciate your input.
Sorry for the long post.
P.S. I understand that yall might hate my dad’s beliefs here, but please understand that we can’t change his beliefs.