u/CookieNegative9860 — reddlx

I (28 M), She (27 F)

We are both residents, and during our first month of rotation, I met her, around 1.7 year ago, we did a shift together, 9 days with her in an emergency hospital in a rural area, It was the best month of my life.

I have never felt so connected to someone like that in my life, Everything was in harmony, I would do 10 hour shifts and then have enough energy to study for another 4 hours, she was like an angel, around her I never felt tired, I wanted to improve myself, I wanted to get better, I admired her and was inspired by her.

Talking with her was so easy, like we have been friends for years, we would joke and be sarcastic, talk about cases, books, movies, life in general.

I didn't understand that feeling at that time, I didn't appreciate it enough, So I didn't pursue it enough, I tried to keep a clear boundary because I was afraid, I never been this close to an opposite geneder, so didn't know how should I act or shouldn't.

Even throughout the year we talked on social media, joked around, talked ablut our rotations, interesting cases and stuff like that, but sooner or later it became less and less, I tried exchanging my shifts, selling them, buying them just to be with her, but it never worked out, like the universe is against me in everyway, trying his best to prevent me from seeing her.

And then slowly, the messaging became less, it became more timid, the joking didn't feel right, my emotion slowly became less and less and I thought that she must have been like any other crushes I had in college, nothing serious, just something happened and done.

But then last month, we were in the same hospital, not together, but each in different section, and there was this ice cold wall between us, it felt as if she was different, we would still greet and joke rarely, but it was not the same, she was tired, with less energy. But just seeing her my chest would tighten like a black hole just formed in it, my mind running at full speed continuously thinking about her till I get so tired I just fall down and sleep, then I dream of her, then I wake with severe headache and dizziness, completely taken hostage by her.

I have no control over my mind, everything has become a mess, I don't know should I approach her or leave her, I wish I could just forget about her existence, completely erasing her from my memory, just let it die so I can rest and focus on my career and other stuff.

I'm an insecure guy, in a very bad financial situation, very poor social skills, short, average in term of intelligence and appearance. And she beats me in those areas with excellence. So I knew I never had a chance and never thought of it, and somehow I could keep myself in check and accept reality for what is it, there have been people like that in my life, they were so out of my reach, I never cared enough to be interested or dream of them.

But my brain has lost this ability, I no longer can control myself, Everything I worked so hard seems to crumble. My whole life has become an obsession and a fixation on her, and it gets worse and worse, like I'm starting to lose my mind.

I find nothing and no one interesting, I find no joy in anything, I lose my temper much more easily with patients, I don't study anymore, I don't workout, don't watch movies, stopped playing video games, no plans in life, it feels like I'm just waiting to snap and break into a total psychosis. I have lost 10Kg in the last 2 months, life has become so gray and tasteless.

And no matter how hard I try, I just can't stop thinking of her, I want her to be with me, I want to see her everyday, I want to talk with her, I want to see her happy and smile. And I hate that I can't make her happy, and she never thought of anything more than a friend of me, but my mind just wont accept that, it just can't let it go.

I don't know if I will ever feel like this toward someone else, to have such respect and admiration and intense feelings for someone else, and I hate that about myself, I really wish it could all end