Long read ahead.
Sometimes, I daydream of running away from all the responsibilities of being a wife and a mother.
I used to be so madly in love with my husband. Now, I don’t even know. Probably, nawawala talaga ang tamis from time to time. He provides naman most (if not all) of our needs. However, my emotional needs were taken for granted for the past years. He is trying his best naman to be a better husband. Kaso parang nasanay na lang din ako na walang emotional connection sa kanya. Yung tipong feeling ko he is just hearing me but not listening. Whenever I share something like mundane things, parang it’s all noise. Ewan ko ba, feeling ko lang naman. Mas gusto ko pang kausapin yung barkada ko kesa sa kanya. He doesn’t even ask me how I am doing sa personal. Sa text, yes tinatanong ako. Pero yun lang. I think I stopped putting effort into our marriage when we had an intense argument some time in 2025. It never happened again.
Wala na din akong gana for sexy time. I actually tried to organise some date nights or parang catching up namin sana but it flopped. After that, nawalan na ako ng gana. Also, wala naman syang 3rd party since I also check his phone from time to time. And I let him see when I randomly checks. I have always prayed na sana maging better kami. However, each passing day na kasama ko sya, mas lumalayo ang loob ko sa kanya. I feel like I no longer want to be with any man in my life. Yung parang gusto ko na lang maging old auntie na walang lalaki sa buhay pero masaya. Napagod ata ako sa past years na mga reminders at discussions namin about us. Ngayon na medyo may efforts sya, it’s no longer creating any impact sa akin.
I love my children. I have sacrificed a lot of things in order to be there for them. I gave up my career and shifted to a different job. I chose them over any opportunity that I was given. I always considered them before I made decisions. Mahal na mahal ko sila. Naiiyak lang ako kasi napabayaan ko ang sarili ko. I lost the whimsy spark I once had. I don’t regret having kids. Napagod lang siguro ako sa lahat ng responsibility ng pagiging nanay.
Hence, I have been daydreaming of a life where I start over ALONE. Somewhere no one knows me. Somewhere I can be just me. Somewhere I don’t have to worry what meals to prepare or if I had finished the laundry.
Is it just me? Or may iba pang ganito ang daydream?