Getting this off my chest so it doesn't weigh me down anymore.
When the pandemic hit I (32F) was in one of the roughest spots of my life. I lost my job and my living situation fairly quickly. My mental health hit rock bottom. My bf was away and couldn't financially help me. My best friend of 10 years did me a solid and let me "move in" with her but in reality it was glorified couch surfing. I had a makeshift corner in the dining room that I paid 120 bucks a month for. Ended up getting a small job at a bar nearby and things were actually okay for about a year.
Then she started dating this new guy. Very "mysterious" kinda vibes, younger than us. He never moved in with us but he was over pretty frequently. He sold pot which was cool, we always had weed to smoke but the more he hung around the more off he felt. He started getting more financially involved with her which lead to things like the electric bill not being paid on time. Her being gone for days at a time with no explanation. They did alot of ecstasy together which i mean is fine. But he got her into cocaine which became a major problem for her. I made the mistake of telling him while we were all together that i take Xanax every night before bed due to anxiety and issues with panic disorder.
One night while he had been over I woke up to him on top of me. I remember saying no. I remember trying to push him off, and I remember him threatening me. As expected, it's kind of a blur. I remember just doing it too. I won't get into the details.
The next morning after questioning my sanity i just bought a plan B. Went to work like nothing happened. Didn't tell a soul, not my best friend, not my parents, not my partner. Years and years later i thought about filing a police report but after they broke up i learned he actually went to jail for manslaughter.
Im not even sure what to do with myself other than just let it out and leave it be.
EDIT: Alot of people are painting this like i was just raped. Maybe but like I said, while I originally resisted, i ended up giving up and going with it. To spare details I did "get into it". So that's why i feel so guilty, because i felt like at that moment I was cheating and betraying my best friend.