2.5 weeks since we broke up. I went into no contact immediately this time.
1.5 yrs together. I can't even count how many times he's broken up with me, it's almost comical if it wasn't so tragic
Usually he'd want to be "friends" but he'd continue the same relationship dynamic... Daily messages, expressions of deep love, dates, cuddles.
He explained he wanted all the things of a relationship, just that the label and framework felt suffocating
I went down a rabbit hole for a bit of, "well what's in a label anyways?" As long as we have a shared agreement and understanding such as consistency, repairing rupture, romantically monogamous etc.
But the past few months he was calling us a relationship, me his partner, even the week (day!) before the break up talking appreciatively about our relationship and journey.
I thought he had reconciled something. Bad assumption.
He was close to my 3 kids. Cuddled with them, did activities with them.
Extremely expressive, almost daily, of his deep feelings for me.
We were amazing at repairing ruptures usually.. we'd talk calmly while cuddling in bed, lots of empathy, figuring it out.
He lovessss intimacy, would invite me to play love songs, gaze into my eyes, light candles etc.
We both flowed well together as we could get deep while together and also appreciated our space and independent lives.
Sexually we matched amazingly. It was a sexually open relationship, though the last part I stopped having private meetings with men, but we'd have shared play together with others. He still had private meetings with women. We both had a lot of fun exploring sexually together.
He did express he has an "addiction" (his word) to novelty and feeling desired.
Really warm, sweet.
Always excited about me.
Treated me well, with a lot of respect (outside of him breaking up with me every few weeks or months, that is.)
He explained it's like a war inside him all the time, a side that wants to be alone, and a side that loves me more than anything.
Once he expressed when I'd leave after a day together, abject fear would come up that he feels abandoned, even if logically he knew I was still there, just not physically.
But other times he'd crash out, call me controlling for things that didnt actually happen/make sense. Eventually he'd calm down.
A lot of highs and lows.
Deep intimacy.
And problems galore...
I imagine he's fearful avoidant leaning dismissive.
The last break up, we had a few meetings of very intense intimacy (led by him!) I was injured, he cared for me so lovingly, helped me walk, get dressed, he said it was a gift I got hurt that he could let all his love be expressed.
Next day he said he thinks I'm his soul mate.
Two days later (our break up day) we walked hand in hand along the coastline, deep talks, sex, etc.
That night I brought up our open relationship dynamics, checking in there about our agreement.
He seemed to flip out. Started to mutter to himself, no one will control me, over and over.
Then said he needed to think about things.
I left angry.
He messaged asking me to come back for hugs and kisses. I said no, continued home.
Next morning I got a message, "I love you but we are on different paths. I want to be on my own, be single."
Same line I heard every time we broke up.
I asked if we could talk, we are maybe triggered or in a wave or there's a misunderstanding, let's talk in person.
"There's nothing to fix, I dont know what to say, this is what's right for me."
I said ok, I'm not doing this on and off dynamic.
I hear you that you dont want to fix things. I dont agree there is nothing to fix but I respect your decision. So we can say goodbye here.
Next day I asked if we could say goodbye in person, because that breakup felt like abandonment and whiplash after so much closeness and being good together just before...( I also hoped he just needed to regulate and maybe an in person talk would be helpful.)
We met. He was adamant a break up was right for him, he has an inner voice telling him to be single.
It was a 6 hr meeting. Cuddling, walk in the park, kissing, tons of appreciation and crying. We did skin to skin in bed. He gazed adoringly at me as I drove us home from thr park, put his hand on my thigh, held my hand.
He told me I'm so healthy for him, how much he'll miss me, I'm "walking sunshine", never met anyone like me and knows he probably never will. How his period of life with me was the happiest in his life. He said he's sorry. I asked, so why leave this? If you're so happy with me? He said he can't explain, it is just something he knows, he's supposed to be alone. Things feel heavy and he needs to put something down. He needs to "lose himself".
I asked if he thinks maybe the intimacy starts to feel like too much, so he needs to leave? He said maybe.
I checked, are you sure this isn't a wave? Maybe you'll reach out like in the past, Hi, I miss you, want to meet? He smiled and asked me, and what if I did do that? I said I'd want to know what happened.
But even checking about these things, pointing out thr pattern, he was adamant about being single.
I said I don't understand but I don't need to, i just accept. So I let him go. Said goodbye.
I didn't reach out again, neither did he.
Now, he had had me blocked on Facebook for most of our relationship. I was always conflicted about it. It is where he did a lot of the sexual searching for casual sex so part of me was good with that... I found it triggering to see those things. And I'm also not a social media person. But it did rub me the wrong way and it was one of the things I brought up before the light switch flipped and he broke up with me.
So itnwas weird that.. the day after we broke up, he unblocked me, no friend request though. I didn't think anything of it. I figured now he probably thinks there's no reason to block and hide his online sex searching behavior. Okay. Not big deal.
But then he watched my stories. All of them. I posted stuff for my business maybe 3 times a week. So that meant he was manually checking my profile daily because we arent FB friends.
Sometimes he was first viewer to see.
After 2 weeks of seeing him view my stories, I blocked him on Facebook. I felt uncomfortable feeling watched? I'm not sure. But I didn't like it. Like he isn't talking to me, doesn't want me in his life, but wants to passively watch from afar? Also, I just wanted my own space. I was being good about not looking at pictures of us, replaying our memories etc. I didnt want to see him orbit me.
We haven't spoken in 2.5 weeks now. I'm honestly surprised he hasn't reached out. We have never gone this long. Previous times he always wanted to stay in contact. This time there was no mention of it.
I'm trying to move on. Even though the love was very deep and there was amazing stuff there, I realize he can't sustain the closeness.
So that's my story.
Happy to hear thoughts as I continue making sense of it and trying to focus on my own life.
I'm absolutely heartbroken, confused.
I've been broken up before but usually there was a reason.. like we didn't get along, or one or both of us lost feelings..
He seemed to cherish and love me even as he was saying goodbye.