This is not the pregnancy I’d thought I would have (Rant / Vent)
Hey mamas! Just wanted to vent here because everyone around me is forcing me to look at the “bright side” but I really want to feel bad at the moment.
Context -
I’m a prenatal / postnatal fitness coach. I’m in this field for over 6 years now. I’ve studied pregnancy and the effects of it ever since and I couldn’t wait to experience all of it.
But what I hadn’t anticipated was that I might never get to experience pregnancy altogether. Years of IVF, and I got conceived with my last viable embryo. The whole process was so painful that we’d prepared for a childfree life and had accepted our fates. But then came this miracle positive pregnancy test ❤️ My last embryo had stuck and was growing inside me.
What’s happening now -
This is considered a high risk pregnancy and my injections haven’t stopped. And I take about 15 pills a day. I’m close to 20 weeks now. I’m so sick of pricking myself everyday. I’m so sick of popping pills like a meal. I had a cervical cerclage and was in bed rest. I’m not allowed to move around. I’ve not exercised in God knows how long and my body doesn’t like it. (Gym was my happy place) I’m always in pain. I’m always in fear that I might harm this baby if I do something that the doctor has restricted me from.
I’ve not told anyone that I’m pregnant. I’ve not allowed my immediate family to announce it either. Because I’m not in a celebratory mood! Until my NT scan, I was sure that I’d lose this baby. I don’t know but I didn’t want to be hopeful / positive (because the pain of the aftermath is too much to handle).
As much as I love my growing baby, as much as I want it (like I’ve never wanted anything else in my life more than being a mother), I’m just not able to be happy.
I’m drowning in anxiety every second of the day. I’m scared. I feel so shitty about myself, just not able to shake this feeling!
PS - I can’t afford therapy as I’m spending lakhs on my medical bills every month.