u/ConsiderationDue4916

Cant believe i can hold myself even tho i can, the urge always comes but i remember all the pain that i have going through, enough for me 5 years of this misrable losing felling.

Iam not gamble today, but the urge was so strong i will leave it here debt $1000, it should be done in 6 months, in my country annual salary is $500 a month.

I saw my husband bank statement, he gamble everyday not as heavy as iam but is the same lose $100-$200 a day, hes salary only pay $150 a day, not including he smoke 2 pack cigar a day, eat, and coffe. And i just found out that he easly borrow money from his friend to " gamble " lose it and pay them on payday.

Idk how much my husband owe but if i confrot him he will said thats my bussines and i can pay them back.

I still hide my addiction from my husband, he dhavent found out yet, he knew that i have some saving, but thw truth is all gone, and i have about $800 debt on top of that. I can pay it over time.

But sees him play everynight triggers me, espesially today. How can hes acction not affect me on my recovery, if you suggest me to talk and disccus it with him, no he will not listen, understand or try to work it together, a dog would be better to be a patner of talk he wouldnt behave.

My first bet was on november 2020, its been 5 years and 5 month since, i am addicted to it, my mind, my life, my mood everything tie on gambling.

I have done a lot of games, first slots, then baccarat, blackjack, fishing games, the little astrounot that always fall try to climb the moon.

Never i have ever won, is always losing then chasing winning some than chasing bigger wins never ending cycle until all become 0.

I make my loved ones suffer, i borrow, lied, scamming people, everything i do to get money to continuely gambling, cause when i stoped and realized i lose all of that i will crashed down, cried, depressed, didnt eat didnt sleep for days.

I have tried to end myself 5 times during this times.

Cut my arm, overdose myself, drinking till pass out, almost jump off the bridge, speeding. I survived all of that, i relapse twice a month, when i forgot the pain i will comeback and think maybe this time will be different i can won , pay everything, and live mylife as i never know gambling. Never happend.

I lost my health, my sight minus -3 now, before touch online gambling my eyes were normal, i hurt both of my knee when i crashed riding my motorcyle, i lost friends, literally 10 of them cause they have no respect for me again i always contact them when i need money to borrow. My husband almost divorced me, my mom almost disowned me, and my brother told me to k1ll myself cause iam just a burden and uselless.

What triggers me to gamble is on july 2020 i got sexually molested by my old neighbour, and my high school bestfriend died on march 2020, my boyfriend at that time cheated on me on my birthday 6 june 2020. And my husband is an asshole if i have to explain shortly, Not an excuse but that triggered me to found escape. 2019 i can beat bullimia, i was bullimic for more than a year, when i knew gambling i stopped the eating disorder, but gambling its hard.

My longest streak without a bet was 22 days. I suffer everytime i relapse, debt everywhere, husband confuse why i alwas have no money.

Yesterday i relapse lose $450. My debt now $1000, iam 25 y.o stay at home, didnt know how to make money, how to pay debt without him questening, last time i confess was last year and he said its the last time.

I will give update if i can pay them back, and if i can be a better human being. Thanks