I’m a sick man, a spiteful one. One that hates happy people and find them to be idiot. But I want to be different.
Please in this text allow me to be self-centered. I’m only venting because I feel the need to.
Like many, my feelings for both of my parents were ambivalent. I loved them, they were my sole light and purpose, my role models and hero. But I also hated them. They taught me to never expect anything from anyone because no matter how much they pretend to love you, it will never be enough to be listened. They put a label on me, “the easy kid”. But I never was. In fact, at school to vent my anger I used to beat other kids when I was only 5. They just forced me to assume this role with them because if I didn’t then my relationship with them would’ve shattered like theirs. The only thing they ever valorized was my intelligence. But with all the pessimism they introduced in my soul the only answer was : if I’m that intelligent, so much so that everyone in my life only compliments me on that, but still unhappy. Then everyone that is happy must be idiotic. My parents with all of their problems, they killed me and the child I was. They made me become an underground man, secluded in his misery and hatred for the people with joy in them. They put me into this world without loving each other nor with the simplest means to sustain a financially stable life. I absorbed all their stress like a sponge. I became the shackles that tethered them to their miserable existence. And they became the butchers of my soul, slowly tearing it apart with their heavy silence, their loud expectations, their suffocating lack of will to help me live up to them. And by telling me that they loved me while torturing me they just made it even more painful. But then if even love wasn’t the answer to my problem, what was it ? Maybe their biggest fault was to cast me into this hellish life.
But with all of that, now I want to become different. Something more than a spiteful man. I wish to find peace and to help people around me. I just sometimes can’t help to feel the meaninglessness of all of it crushing me. Do you guys have advice ?