u/CongnitiveEdge

I wrote this back on August 22 of 24, just wanted to share it here. Ive made lots of growth since then but it still pains all the same.

Me… What’s the first word that comes to mind when I think… me. Well, the answer to that is… “Why? Seriously, why me? What did I do to deserve this?” I’ve always been told the answer is simple in two ways: “None of this is your fault, and you do it to yourself.” It seems both may be true.

I haven’t slept yet, thinking to myself tonight. I thought, how after everything, do I still hope for happiness? Hope, it seems kinda silly sometimes. It lingers on my mind every single day. Why continue to try when so much shit has happened? Ah, yes. I have not slept. Hope still exists. I have to keep reminding myself about that a little bit more everyday it seems. How am I still the sweet little girl I barely got to spend time with before feeling to need to be an adult at such an early age? Hope. I wish I could reclaim my childhood more than anything, and for it to be different. Apparently everything happens for a reason. WHAT THE FUCK?! And we’re back to… why me??

Yes, I have childhood trauma. I find myself with feelings of guilt and selfishness when discussing the challenges I have faced, almost as if I’m unworthy of feeling such emotions. I feel inclined to simply move on as others see it as a cry for attention. But let’s be honest, some fucking attention would be nice for once. They say trauma can either make you or break you. I’ve been told that it has made me stronger as a person, that I’m still here, still breathing, still loving, still caring. But that’s not entirely the case; here you gotta fake it till you make it. The truth is, it didn’t make me as strong as I needed to be. This is something I’ve struggled with since I was 4 years old that I can remember, even though I was too young to understand it.

I became a serious people pleaser, made it impossible for me to give up on people, and made me exhaustingly empathic. I constantly have the urge to take responsibility for everybody’s problems, even if I didn’t cause them. I’ve started getting angry.

I’ve spent my life recovering from things I should have been protected from. I was too young to become a ghost full of grief. Children are supposed to be happy and free. Don’t tell me I wouldn’t be who I am today without all the struggles that I faced. I already know that. I could have been a kid instead of being forced to grow up. The people who were supposed to protect me, failed me, and no amount of healing will change that. I’m furious. I’ll never regain my lost childhood. I despise having to act older than my years. I didn’t ask to be mature. It was forced upon me like a fucking prophecy. It made me disconnect from friendships because I didn’t have the same aspirations as them anymore. It made me wish for a different life because I didn’t have the energy for the life I had anymore. It made me grow up faster than I needed to. It made me mature. It made me lonely.

I can’t help but feel the urge to withdraw from the world in order to concentrate on myself, away from the influence of others. I used to hold on to the belief that my struggles would eventually lead to something meaningful. However I must also come to terms with the inevitable backlash being perceived as selfish for prioritizing my own personal well-being.

It took me quite a few years after high school before I finally realized he was grooming me. I never really said that out loud to myself until a girl I used to hang out with brought it to my attention. And even then, part of me had always known something wasn’t normal I just didn’t fully let myself name it.

What confuses me even now is how I could recognize that it wasn’t normal, but still not fully register it as seriously wrong at the time. I can specifically remember two other girls in the school being involved in something similar with him. With one of them, it felt like she was more willing. The other one I’m not completely sure about she definitely led on a lot, but it’s hard for me to clearly define what was happening there.

There was a third girl too, but I don’t really remember ever seeing much between them. Except for one moment that stands out she let him walk her through the school halls with a collar around her neck while he held a leash. She was really into wolves and that kind of aesthetic, and even that memory feels strange to sit with now.

He was also well liked by a lot of the male students. And I remember him saying that some teachers didn’t like him, but at the time that didn’t really register as something that mattered. Looking back now, it almost feels like there was this public version of him, just someone no one questioned deeply enough to see what was actually happening underneath.

I started high school in 2015 and graduated in 2018. I’m a bit foggy on exact timing I don’t know if it started freshman year, but I believe it might have. Either way, it still doesn’t change anything. It happened in high school. That part is clear.

And I know now that it was grooming, because it didn’t just stop after high school it continued and escalated into worse things later on. I’m not going to go into detail about that here. I’ll save that for my therapist.

But even writing that, I notice my body reacting my teeth clenching, my tongue pressing hard to the roof of my mouth. Like my body remembers before my thoughts fully catch up.

What really bothers me is this part I still struggle to explain properly.

For a long time basically since knowing him I’ve experienced this smell. His cologne. It would show up randomly. At the store, at my parents’ house, at home, outside… anywhere. And every single time it happened, I would immediately stop and look around me, like I was trying to locate where it was coming from.

Even in my own house, I would try to rationalize it. Maybe it was one of the kids. Maybe it was my Hubby’s cologne or perfume. I kept trying to place it somewhere external so it would make sense.

But today it happened again.

I picked up my stepdaughter from school to take her to therapy, and I was thrown off immediately. I kept telling myself it was probably her perfume. Before her appointment we stopped at the house to drop her stuff off since we had a few minutes. The smell followed me out of the car and into the house. My stepdaughter came in about 30 seconds later. I still smelled it in my bedroom, then again outside, and all the way to her therapy session.

And I notice how quickly my mind tries to solve it like if I can just identify the source, I can make it stop.

On the way home, I was still trying to convince myself it had to be her perfume. I even got to a point where I was thinking I’d go through every perfume and cologne in the house and get rid of anything that could possibly be causing it.

And then I noticed another layer of me stepping in this part that starts wondering if I’m overreacting or going crazy.

Because once we were about five minutes from home, the smell got really strong. Like he was physically sitting in the passenger seat next to me. I felt nauseous in my stomach, and it completely changed how present I felt in my body.

When we got home, I let stepdaughter go inside and told her I’d be there in a minute. Once she was in, I checked the passenger seat. It smelled normal just like a car. Nothing unusual. And that’s where things start to feel confusing again, because if it was something physical, it should have stayed there.

But I could still smell it for a couple of hours after that. I’ve been smelling his cologne for years, and every time it happens, I turn and look around instinctively. It’s become somewhat familiar in that way, even though it still shocks me every time it appears.

Today was the strongest it’s ever been.

And I keep trying to understand why now.

Part of me wonders if it’s because I’ve finally decided I’m going to talk about him in therapy. Like maybe my system already knows that, even if I haven’t said it out loud yet.

But even when I think about him normally, I don’t really get clear images or thoughts. It’s not like I’m replaying memories in detail. It’s more like fragments. A kind of blank awareness without words or visuals.

There’s also something else I’ve been noticing in myself, and I don’t fully know how to explain it yet.

I don’t want to smell him. I don’t want anything tied to him around me. But I’m also in a place where I don’t really need chaos anymore to feel like I’m functioning or getting through life. And now that things are quieter, I just feel kind of empty.

And I think that’s where it gets complicated for me.

Because when I did smell his cologne, I would feel something shift in me like I was more alert, more awake, more alive in a way I don’t really feel right now. In this emptier part of my life, that feeling stood out. It cut through the numbness.

I can’t believe his smell was strong enough to break through my empty silence like that. That something so tied to him could interrupt me that completely and make me feel something when I’ve been feeling so blank.

So even though I don’t want the smell, part of me also didn’t want it to go away in those moments, because it gave me something to feel. It made me feel less empty.

Not because I want him or anything connected to him, but because I miss feeling something strong enough to pull me out of this quiet, hollow space I’m in now.

Right now, I’m just trying to figure out how to feel that same sense of aliveness without a fucking trigger being big enough to break through. It is frustrating when I feel empty and have no identity but then my body pulls this shit.

I’m speaking up about this to my therapist and I know there will be a case made. But all these years I been scared to but what if no one ever does? I want to be the one to help others going through the same shit.