The real tragedy is this:
I already knew.
I saw the dissociation, the lies, the slow escalation of your fantasies, the way you used me as your safe experiment. I saw all of it. And even after everything, I was still here. I was still willing to stay. I was waiting for you to feel safe enough to tell me yourself. I was ready to love you through the darkest parts.
But you couldn’t let me.
You were so convinced that if I truly saw you — the real you — I would leave, that you destroyed everything before I could. You’d rather run, gaslight me, blame me, and disappear than risk me knowing everything and choosing to stay anyway.
You ran from a love that was already accepting you.
I wasn’t going anywhere. I was right there, willing to carry it with you. But your fear was louder than my love. So you left first, convinced you were protecting yourself from the rejection you were so sure was coming.
That’s what breaks me the most.
You threw away someone who already knew the worst and still chose you. You ran from a future that was possible because you couldn’t believe it was real.
u/ConfusionSame2442
You used me. Slowly. Deliberately. Over six months.
At the beginning it felt like the realest love I’d ever known, we had future plans, marriage talks, we met each other’s families, it was the kind kind of effort that made me believe you were my forever person. I went all in. I gave you everything. All the time, money and effort to seeing you. But looking back I figured you out. You were quietly using my love as a safe, loving shield to explore your porn addiction, your hidden sexuality struggles, and your darkest fantasies.
You lied to my face again and again about being my “first” for so many sexual things. You’d dissociate during sex, go completely blank, take forever to finish. I ignored the signs because I loved you. Every visit you pushed a little further. The escalation felt gradual enough that I convinced myself it was just us exploring together. But it was never equal. I was your bridge. Your safe experiment. You were using me to explore that part of yourself.
When it finally blew up and I got badly hurt, you didn’t take any responsibility. You gaslit me so hard, you called it a “test I failed,” said I wanted it, blamed me for everything. Then you went cold and had your friend deliver the breakup because you were too much of a coward to face me yourself. When I confronted you about the “breakup” you told me our entire relationship was just you “desperately needing love”, like everything meant nothing and I was nothing more than a temporary emotional placeholder.
For the last two months you slowly ramped up the suicidal talk and “demons” talk. “I’m fighting things that make me want to die,” “the demon is stronger than me.” It always got worse right when I tried to talk about what you did or needed accountability. You knew I was terrified of losing you or pushing you too far, so I stayed softer, more understanding, more forgiving. You weaponized my love and empathy against me.
I was still checking on you, still being kind, still willing to work through literal hell because I believed in us. You counted on the fact that I’m loving and forgiving. You used it.
When the shame finally became too loud, you ran. You shut down completely, erased me, and disappeared instead of facing what you did. You left me sitting in all the confusion, pain, and self-blame while you went off to “fight your demons.”
I’m completely shattered. I feel used, dirty, stupid, and disgusting in a way I can’t even describe. I cry in public. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I replay everything wondering how I missed the signs. I question if you ever actually loved me or if I was just a warm body and emotional support while you figured yourself out. I feel sick that I trusted you. I don’t know how I’ll ever trust anyone again. You broke something in me that I don’t know how to fix.
I hope one day the guilt hits you like a truck. I know you don’t want to face yourself so you shut me out. You can’t even look at me because i’m a mirror of yourself and how evil you are for using someone who only ever loved you. You destroyed the one person who actually saw all of you and still chose to love you anyway. You threw away someone who would’ve ridden through anything with you.
I’m done carrying your shame.
I’m done protecting you.
I’m done being the understanding one.
This is me finally putting it all down so I can start to breathe again.
I know you’ll never say it, so I’ll say it for you.
You used me. You saw someone who was falling in love, who wanted to make you happy, who was willing to explore and try new things, and you turned the relationship into your own secret experiment. You lied to my face about so many things being “firsts.” During sex you were often mentally somewhere else — dissociated, distant, taking forever to finish. I felt it every time.
You pushed boundaries without real consent. You suggested things that crossed lines, then gaslit me and blamed me when I got hurt. You hid parts of your sexuality from me while involving me in your fantasies. You sent private photos to someone else and admitted things I wasn’t supposed to know.
I knew a lot of this for months. I saw the signs. But I loved you so much that I stayed quiet and tried to help you through whatever you were struggling with. I thought we were real. I thought my love could be enough.
At the end you basically admitted you were using me to fill a void. You couldn’t even give me a proper goodbye. You disappeared and left me worried and confused while you went off to “find yourself.”
You blamed everything on vague “demons” instead of owning what you did. You couldn’t even show basic empathy to someone who would’ve stayed through anything.
This is so embarrassing to explain to my friends and family — that I gave so much time, effort, and love to someone who was secretly using me the whole time. You promised you’d never waste my time, and then you did exactly that.
I’m telling you this so you can actually grow. I’m not as naive as you think. I saw everything. I just chose to love you anyway.
I feel used. I feel disgusting. I feel broken. I feel sick that I let you inside my body and my heart. I’ll never be the same. But I’m done carrying your shame. That disgust and self-hatred you’re running from? It’s yours now.
I hope you remember me as the girl who actually loved you, who saw the darkest parts of you and still stayed, the one who would’ve fought for you — the one you threw away because you couldn’t face yourself. You are a coward, no matter how far u run - you can't hide from yourself.