Am I just not cut out for this?
Overall, I have a decent firm. We work a hybrid schedule, the boss is kind and flexible on where and when we work. During the slow season when we can all breathe, it isn't that bad.
We go through 2 busy seasons, one in fall and one in late spring- mid summer. I've had to adjust to wearing multiple hats because we are a small firm, and usually it's fine. However, when the busy season starts everything falls apart. The main attorney is too busy and so unorganized. They check my work on the same day as the final client meeting, so if anything is wrong, it feels like there's added stress because it's so last minute. The other attorney is better at this, but prefers everything to be done differently than the main boss.
In total I've received maybe 30 minutes of training for how to use our systems and then I just need to figure it out for all the specifics. These specifics change in every case. I feel like I'm messing up in everything I do. I also feel like I'm expected to know what everyone needs before they tell me. We put systems in place to be on the same page, and then after 6 months they change it for some reason and get mad when I don't catch on. For example, we've always saved documents to a specific folder when they are ready for printing for a client. I printed the documents from that folder for our meeting and apparently I was supposed to print the ones sent to me in email this time around. So now I'm rushing to correct all the info from the email docs before the clients get there, which leads me to inevitably miss something. It's just small shit like that constantly happening and it all adds up. I have checklists of what to confirm in docs before finalizing them, I keep a list of old documents to refer to for examples, I keep notes on each case to remember what is happening at every step. Then people switch it up on me and get upset that I didn't pick up on it.
I'm realizing now that anytime something is different from the norm, just ask instead of assume. But I'm fucking tired of it. Why are they allowed to change up the flow on their terms and not communicate with me, but I get in trouble. I draft all the documents for this area of our firm, but the attorney is handling a few to learn our systems since they are new. They constantly miss stuff and make mistakes in these documents, but because I'm in charge of printing and happen to miss it too, the blame falls on me. I have so much shit to do and they constantly drop more work on me. We hired a new intake person who is fucking up constantly so everyone is sending me work that should go to them. When everything explodes they tell me I can always let them know when I can't handle a workload, but when I do they just tell me it isn't urgent so I can get to it later. I have spent 3 days this week trying to draft a 30 minute document because they keep dropping shit on me.
Every busy season the team comes together to discuss ways to make it better for all of us, and then no one follows through on it. I discussed a whole plan with the attorney about how if they let me sit in on reviewing my docs, maybe I'd actually learn something instead of making the same mistake. They said that is okay, but I have to keep on top of them to make sure it happens. Why is it my job to manage your time for you and constantly remind you to train me? It makes me feel like I'm always interrupting their work and time.
I got in trouble yesterday because of the wrong documents being printed and they told me that my work has been bad lately and they think it's cause I'm doing too much at one time. Maybe that's true, but what fucking choice do I have? The other paralegal is drowning just as much, so I can't ask them for help. I can handle my workload, it's all the added stuff that isn't planned that fucks me up. Why am I event planning??? I don't have time to plan and keep up with 2 events a month.
When I try to voice this to my coworkers, they always say that it's so much worse elsewhere. I feel like because they've all been abused by old bosses and had 200 clients with 3 different attorneys who all do things their own way, I can't be stressed about my situation here. Which is why I'm questioning if I'm cut out for this field. They were all talking old war stories from old firms the other day and I said that if my boss ever talked to me like that I'd quit and go back to customer service. They all gave me a look and made small comments basically saying I wasn't going to make it in most other firms then.
I was harassed and screamed at by an old coke head boss and I swore I'd never put up with someone like that again. I now hold very high expectations for bosses and I am finding that it's impossible to find someone to meet them. I just want to be treated like a human being. But I'm also finding in this field there is a huge disconnect between paralegals and attorneys and I don't appreciate being treated like I matter less because I'm not an attorney.
I'm aware now that in the final stretch of these busy seasons I burnout and question my entire life. Then it calms down and I'm okay again. I just don't know if I'm built for this field if what's considered a good office gets me this worked up. I signed up for my stupid paralegal certificate last year and I don't even know if I want to finish it.
Idk I guess I just needed a rant and either reassurance to keep going or to quit. The only other things I want to do with my life require school, which I can't afford. And the job market is terrifying right now. I've been dealing with an autoimmune disorder that messes up my thyroid, so I can't afford to lose insurance. It's just a really shitty time to live in America and it's getting harder and harder.