Need help .what to do to make it right for me as this is suffocating
i'm 19 and i've been living in this suffocating situation for about 4 years now and i genuinely can't tell what's normal anymore so i'm just gonna dump everything here
every single conversation at home ends with me being wrong. it doesn't matter what it's about. my sleep schedule, my music, me being online, my beliefs, friends i make online, news i bring up. it always somehow circles back to me needing to understand something or me being naive and the world outside being dangerous and everyone wanting to take advantage of me. and it's never one person at a time. it becomes all of them at once taking turns cutting me off mid sentence and i'm just standing there for hours not being able to finish a single point i wanted to make. if i go quiet it gets read as me agreeing. if i push back i'm being disrespectful. there's literally no move that works.
some of the specific stuff that comes up constantly - being told i'll get kidnapped or trafficked for being online at night, my atheism somehow getting linked to terrorism, any source i bring up being called propaganda while mainstream tv is apparently fine, being told to go gym then being denied supplements even though i'm vegetarian and already have deficiencies, my music and headphones being constantly policed, my sleep schedule being treated as suspicious, every online friendship immediately being suspected
the thing that makes it worse is they're genuinely not well. memory issues, going in circles, forgetting conversations we already had. when i bring up actual treatment i get shut down and they go for alternative remedies instead. and when i finally win an argument it ends with "you're right it's just my brain right now, but i'm older so i'm still right anyway"
the only time i actually feel like myself is with my headphones on. that's it. that's the only real peace i get
i have a plan to get into a college away from home and i'm working toward it but the financial dependence makes me feel completely trapped and four years of this has genuinely destroyed my confidence
like she even once said to me how she owns me as she gave birth to me and I belong to her and whatever I do is for them as they are doing stuff for me now so I should be grateful
has anyone been through something like this and come out the other side. how did you stay sane while still stuck inside it
is there any tactics or anything that can help me here
I do not care if it's dark immoral or whatever I just wanna feel like I control myself and my decisions