Sorry title is a bit misleading, I'm already a doctor (FY3), talking mainly about long term career potential.
I got off to a great start in med school, won an academic award in my first year and was really enjoying the course. During my second year my father passed away very unexpectedly (early 40s) which had a significant impact on me. Medical school were very unhelpful, let me take 2 weeks off then started threatening me with withdrawal if I missed any more class. I've never had a great relationship with my mum so I didn't really have a support network during this time and unfortunately I chose very unhealthy ways of handling the situation (totally on me). I lost all interest in uni, started skipping lectures and neglected my studies entirely. I started turning up to things with the intent of ticking attendance boxes rather than learning. I spent most of my time engaging in convenient distractions like societies and other social pursuits and probably developed quite a negative relationship with alcohol in the process (I'm not talking about dependence, never turned up to uni under the influence or anything like that, but I was usually in the pub or on a night out when I should have been studying). I was diagnosed with endometriosis later that year, and then came Covid and the isolating lockdowns, none of which helped matters at all.
When it came to exams it was always a matter of cramming last minute and just hoping for the best. I was very fortunate never to fail anything but that's honestly just a mixture of luck and the fact I've always been a quick study (and my passes were always scraped by a few percent or less). I might have been able to cram quickly enough to game my way through an MCQ exam but in reality I was just rote learning isolated facts and spamming Passmedicine without taking the time to learn or appreciate the underlying scientific concepts (lets be honest if you see the phrase "Cherry red spot" or "acid fast bacilli" then you already know what the answer is going to be). But I was trading short term gains for any kind of meaningful knowledge base, not great for entering practice.
To be honest, by the time I was halfway through uni I had already decided I didn't want to do medicine. I got no enjoyment from the course, found the material uninspiring and was resentful towards the med school for not supporting me when I needed it. I resolved to finish the course - sunk cost fallacy - and then pivot in a different direction. Even after I'd managed to correct my mental health, I found old habits hard to shake in the later years, I turned up to tick the boxes, left placement as soon as I could or just skipped things entirely (Covid and the after-years made this trivially easy) and learned only to pass the exam, not to really understand or use it in practice.
When I started FY, things actually took a slightly positive turn, to my genuine surprise I found that I actually really enjoyed the job and delivering care, doing procedures etc. Not all positives obviously, had plenty of nights shifts which made me want to throw in the towel, but overall my mindset has shifted and I feel like I actually want to pursue this career path again.
Despite that, the fact remains that as a result of my poor choices during med school, I have extensive knowledge gaps which I feel are going to make it very difficult for me to progress. My feedback in FY was actually pretty good. I know the workups and first line management for common conditions, I can do a basic A-E, I turn up on time, treat people respectfully and pull my weight. 99% of the time, that'll get you through FY, even if your knowledge is pants. I thankfully managed to avoid the really nasty rotations which probably saved me, hearing some of my colleagues descriptions of solo Ortho nights I know I'd have been severely found out.
I know that I would fall to pieces if I was asked to act in a more senior role. I just simply wouldn't have the knowledge required. Sometimes I even hear FY1s or 5th year med students come out with anecdotes I didn't know which is really depressing. I feel like I'm going to have to cover basically the entire med school curriculum in my spare time in order to fill the gaps, but the weight of that feels overwhelming, I've tried to open a book a few times but just collapse before long. I attempted a handful of MRCP questions last month and it was a bloodbath, honestly embarrassingly bad.
I don't know whether I should keep going or just try to find another career path that fits my strengths and interests. I do genuinely like the idea of being a doctor long term and I regret my previous apathy, but I worry it's too little too late in my case. Sometimes I feel like I'm just a glorified PA pretending to be a doctor.
My partner (now fiancé) proposed to me last week, so thats something positive to finish on lol.