u/ComfortAny9464

I loss my son at 32 weeks from a silent abruption in September two months before my 37th birthday. He was my first baby. Its been 7 months and since February it feels harder. I've been more depressed and my OCD has been worse. When it first happened I think between shock and survival mode got me through. Now that I finally know why and because of my age I was cleared to ttc in February. I decided to try and im on cycle 3 and its probably negative. With Sebastian even with pcos and low amh I was able to get pregnant quickly. I was so blessed. Now Im a mess trying again. My doctor sent me to a fertility specialist because of the pcos and low amh but because at my age and trauma she was like why wait and I appreciate her advocating for me. Im so lost. Lately I find myself just having no will to fight after everything. No fight to try, no fight to get healthier again, just depleted. I just want to heal but im so scared that I will never have a living child. I want to be positive. I want to be who I was before. I dont want to be angry having to do this again when he was perfect and healthy. I just need to get my mental health back on track and take a few months to lose some weight for my pcos and mental health and for myself. But im so afraid ill be 38 in November and im wasting time. ​I dont know what im expecting from writing this. I just need someone who understands and been there and made it through.