Even at your sickest, you still won't feel sick enough
This is what this illness always convinces you of
It tells you lies
That you could be sicker
That you aren't as sick as this other person with anorexia. So you don't feel sick enough. You feel like you need to make yourself worse, to be taken seriously
That the number on the scale could be lower
That you have not developed this particular medical complication, so therefore, you aren't that sick
That you feel absolutely fine, and if things were really that bad, you would feel much worse
That because you aren't in a hospital right now, everything is fine and you aren't that bad
Even after doctors, therapists, nutritionists, your parents and family have told you that you need help, that you need to eat more, and that this illness is deadly, part of you will be in denial
You hear repeated phrases from medical professionals
"You can die of anorexia nervosa. This is an illness that requires treatment."
And yet, when you are really sick, you will make excuses as to why you do not need treatment
Doctors say "I am concerned about your weight loss."
You look in the mirror, and stand on the scale, and see that you need to lose more weight
People treating you in a hospital say
"You have to eat more. Your low weight is putting too much strain on your organs. You can die if you do not work on treating this."
Your malnourished brain convinces you that the doctors are wrong
You are angry your parents made you come to the hospital. You cannot see the danger you are in
Because you aren't eating at first, you are told you will be given a feeding tube
This scares you, so you reluctantly agree to start eating
But the whole time you are in the hospital, you are scared. Scared of giving up the control this disorder convinces you that you have
You always see imperfections when you look in the mirror
You try to have a sense of control, which you believe comes from monitoring what you eat, what the scale says
In reality, anorexia is controlling you
It started controlling your thoughts and actions, the day you couldn't stop worrying about your weight
No number you reach is ever good enough
That feeling of validation, of being sick enough, never happens
Even when you are emaciated, your brain will lie to you and say you aren't that sick
Even when doctors are worrying, when therapists are repeating to you that you can die from what you are doing, when your family cannot stop asking you about your weight loss, even when you have been warned that you need intensive eating disorder treatment
A part of you is going to be in denial and say that you can continue at this low weight you've reached
You say that you don't need to be in a hospital. In the depths of anorexia, getting treatment is what you view as scary
You think it means you will lose all the control you've worked so hard for
But you never had any control. You are being controlled by a life threatening mental illness
Even as you become dizzy and weak from not eating, you won't see it
When you've been forced to go to the emergency room by your therapist, you won't see it
Even after being admitted to an inpatient facility, and even after sitting in front of doctors, who tell you that your eating disorder is life threatening, you won't see it
Even after you pass out in front of your parents, you won't see it
When your mom asks you to weigh yourself in front of her, and she breaks down crying when she sees the number on the scale, you won't see it
Even after a friend of yours who was anorexic, passes away from complications of the illness, you won't see it
And even after you have developed really painful medical complications because of starving yourself, you will still be in denial
Afraid to stop what you are doing
Afraid to change things
That voice that tells you "I am not that sick."
You are that sick. This disorder is twisting things, making you believe things that aren't true
Your illness is valid.
Your labs don't have to be abnormal for you to be really sick
And organ failure from anorexia can happen at any weight. You don't have to reach a certain weight for things to start going wrong. This illness is unpredictable
Even at your sickest, as your body suffers the consequences of not eating enough, you won't feel like you are sick
The moment you think "I'm not sick enough."
This is a sign of how much you are suffering and how sick you are