u/Coffee-Donut-230

I posted last week about the church member crush I have and how uncomfortable I am with the thoughts I was having about her. These thoughts were not something I developed on my own, but rather, probably spiritual warfare because I’ve quit watching porn and masturbation. And God is taking me places and answering prayers that I have prayed for years.

Some of the comments on the post were misunderstanding my whole point of everything.

I talked with my mentor and she suggested praying and keep coming to her if I need guidance and prayer. She told me that telling (64F) is my choice, but it might not end well. So, I’ve continued to keep it to myself.

But it feels stuck. And I’m wondering if I should just get it off my chest because (64F) is a really close friend of mine and again, we tell each other personal things. I have talked to her less and less often. But I’m just wondering if telling her what I’m struggling with would help.

TLDR; I (25F) developed same-sex attraction towards a married church member (64F) that I am really close with. It makes me uncomfortable and I am trying to get over it.

WARNING: this will be long.

I am genuinely really embarrassed about this, so please be kind. I do not have anyone to really express this too and I am not sure how to navigate it. I can usually discern and use practical wisdom on most things, but with this, I am not really sure what to do.

I (25F) am a closeted bisexual because I am in leadership in my job and church. I believe homosexuality is a sin, as it goes against God’s perfect design for marriage and covenant. I have never done anything with a woman and have only ever had relationships / sex with men. So, this is a new feeling to me. The only person who really knows I’m bisexual are my parents, some close family members + my best friends. My church family & my church crush doesn’t even know this about me. Which is telling because our church family is very close and tight-knit. Our congregation does everything together.

So, I am really close with everyone in my Bible study group. I am pretty close with all of the women in my church. We all do everything together and get together once a week, outside of church on Sundays. My church crush isn’t apart of our women’s Bible study group, so it makes a little easier to hide this. But my women’s group knows I’m close with my church crush because we talk about everything and we work together during church production. We have gotten in trouble for laughing and fooling around during church practices because we just click so well and have a great time whenever we get together. But again, no one knows.

Here’s where it gets tricky. My church crush is (64F, married). This is where I am embarrassed. A few months ago, I confided in her because I needed dental treatments done and she works in the dental field, so naturally, because I knew her personally, I ran to her. This led to her helping me through my dental fears, questions I had about what I needed done, procedures and walking me through them, praying together about my situation. Which this led to, her opening up about her traumas, her + her husband’s biggest marital struggle, her child’s chronic illness (which I also have). We have laughed together, cried together, entrusted each other with intimate details of our lives. Which I have relationships like this with most of the women at my church, but I’ve never walked through tear-filled seasons in private with anyone but her. We also talk almost everyday.

She is more masculine-feminine. She has a lot of masculine traits and features mixed into her femininity. She is more of a “tomboy” too. Which I find attractive admittedly.

For the past two months, I can’t stop thinking about her. I can’t stop thinking about her smile, her laugh, our cries together, her masculine traits and just the energy she puts out, the fact that she chooses to sit by me, hang out with me, tell me about her life and tells me that no one knows. She picks me out of the crowd at church events just to hang out with me. I started having really uncomfortable sexual thoughts about her and just intimate thoughts about her.

Honestly, I have texted her less during the week. I don’t hang out with her as much as we did on Sundays because I don’t want it to be noticeable. I felt like I was bombarding her with all of my dental questions, so I’ve guarded myself vulnerabilities wise because I don’t want to let myself get too attached. But I’m stuck with these thoughts and they’re starting to make me uncomfortable and feel stuck in my head just hiding it all.