Object Tomfoolery (Stories) (couldnt find a good flair for this) (vulgar warning)
Characters:
Hello My Name Is
Birdhouse
Slimey
Slimey Jr
Erasey
Whiteboard
Blackboard
PlayStation Vita
Battery
Remotey
Scratch Cat
PlayStation Portable
Shovel
Pickaxe
Birdhouse: So what’s for dinner?
Remotey: I can’t tell you, it’s a soup-prise!
Birdhouse: …
Birdhouse: Is it soup?
Remotey: I soup-pose it could be! *winks*
Birdhouse: Please, enough with the soup puns!
Remotey: Wow, you’re soup-per mean.
Birdhouse: STOP!
*one hour later*
Birdhouse: It’s fucking tacos?!?!?!
PlayStation Portable: So Shovel, how did your first time cooking dinner go?
Shovel: Pretty good if I do say so myself.
PlayStation Portable: Oo! Okay, what are we having?
Shovel: Alright, so for appetizers, we have a potato.
PlayStation Portable: A whole potato?
Shovel: Yes. And then for the main course, we have grilled cheese sandwiches!
PlayStation Portable: These just look like big slabs of black.
Shovel: Because that's what they are!
Shovel: And then for desert, we have chocolate.
PlayStation Portable: These are just chocolate chips?
Shovel: They sure are!
Shovel: And then for drinks, we have toast!
Shovel: *lifts up a glass of blended toast* Bon appetite!
Erasey: Want to hear a hard riddle?
Scratch Cat: Sure.
Erasey: A rooster laid an egg on a roof. Which way did it roll?
Scratch Cat: ...down?
Erasey: N-
Birdhouse: Who cares about which way it rolled, it would be scrambled eggs by then.
Erasey:
Erasey: No, it's that roosters don't lay eggs... Jesus Christ...
Slimey: Battery got into a fight.
Pickaxe : That’s bad.
Pickaxe :
Pickaxe : Did they win?
Blackboard: Swear words are illegal now. If you say one you'll be fined.
Slimey Jr: Heck.
Blackboard: You're on thin fucking ice.
Blackboard: Oh no-
Battery: Birdhouse and I are no longer dating.
Birdhouse: Battery, that’s a horrible way of telling people we’re married.
Remotey: Hey, check out my Spongebob umbrella!
*Remotey opens their umbrella while indoors*
Slimey: Remotey, that’s bad luck…
Remotey: Chill out, Slimey!
Whiteboard, kicking down the door: WHO SUMMONED ME?!?!
Remotey and Slimey: *screams*
PlayStation Vita: Why do you look like that?
Battery, laying face-first on the floor: Like what?
PlayStation Vita: Like you’re dead.
Battery: It’s because I’m dying. Leave me here to perish.
Slimey Jr: Battery accidentally called Hello My Name Is “babe” in front of everyone today.
*The Squad with cigarettes*
Blackboard: I smoke regularly.
Slimey Jr: I smoke sparingly.
Hello My Name Is: I smoked once, but I didn't care for it.
Whiteboard: I've never smoked, but the idea intrigues me.
Birdhouse: I've never smoked, and I refuse to do so.
Battery: What's a cigarette?
Battery: *sobs into the floor*
PlayStation Portable: Hi, who's this? Blackboard changed all of my contacts to mythical creatures.
Pickaxe : What's mine?
PlayStation Portable: Dwarf.
Pickaxe : THEY'RE SO MEAN, I'M NOT THAT SHORT!
PlayStation Portable: Oh, hey Pickaxe .
Pickaxe : FUCK!
Hello My Name Is: I’m so tired.
Slimey: Did you get to bed late?
Hello My Name Is: No.
Slimey: Did you do something strenuous?
Hello My Name Is: No.
Slimey: Then why are you tired?
Hello My Name Is: I’m alive.
Slimey: Sounds exhausting.
Birdhouse: I currently have 7 empty notebooks and I have no idea what to put in them. Any suggestions?
Slimey Jr: Put spaghetti in it.
Birdhouse: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone but you.
Erasey: Put spaghetti in it.
Birdhouse: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone but you two.
Blackboard: Put spaghetti in it.
Birdhouse: I am no longer taking suggestions.
Slimey Jr: Don't joke about murder. I was murdered once and it offends me.
*while waiting outside the principal’s office*
Erasey: What are you in for?
PlayStation Vita: Oh, they just want to know if it’s cool if I miss my classes tomorrow to run sound and lights for a presentation in the auditorium. What about you?
Erasey: I stabbed a kid with a screwdriver.
PlayStation Vita:
PlayStation Vita:
PlayStation Vita: We live very different lives.
Erasey: Yes we do.
*at a zoo*
Blackboard: What are they in for?
Whiteboard: Blackboard, this isn't prison.
Blackboard: So they can leave?
Whiteboard: No, but-
Blackboard, pointing at a meerkat: I bet that one murdered someone.
Whiteboard: Hopefully Shovel has learned a lesson about respecting other people's feelings.
Shovel: Oh, shut up and die Whiteboard.
Battery: I just found out from Pickaxe today that when PlayStation Vita died and the service did the 21-gun salute at their funeral, Scratch Cat said, “They should aim at the coffin to be sure.”
Hello My Name Is: I'm not mean. Name one mean thing I’ve ever done.
Scratch Cat: When we were younger, you convinced me eggs weren't real.
Hello My Name Is: They're not.
Scratch Cat: Haha, very funny.
Hello My Name Is: I'm serious. Didn't you hear?
Scratch Cat: No... what happened?
Hello My Name Is: ...Why would you fall for this again-
Battery: The saying “it is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission” no longer applies to Scratch Cat.
Birdhouse: Hello My Name Is, you're testifying in an aggravated assault case tomorrow, and the D.A. is worried about how you'll present yourself on the stand.
Hello My Name Is: Why? I'm fine on the stand!
*flashback to Testimony #1*
Hello My Name Is: Look, I'll make this real simple so even these dumdums can understand.
Hello My Name Is, to the jury: MAN DID CRIME.
*flashback to Testimony #2*
Hello My Name Is: I'm sorry, could you make her stop doing that weird thing with her face?
Defense Attorney, next to the crying defendant: ...Crying?
*flashback to Testimony #3*
Hello My Name Is: And when this is over, I'm gonna find you and I'm gonna break those little fingers.
Judge: Could the witness please stop threatening the stenographer?
PlayStation Portable: I CAN'T DO IT!
Hello My Name Is, laughing: I CAN'T EITHER!
PlayStation Portable: I CANT FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE
Slimey: WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN EITHER GIVE UP NOW, OR YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT. BECAUSE WE CERTAINLY CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU, AND WE KNOW YOU CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT US.
PlayStation Portable:
PlayStation Portable: I appreciate it,
PlayStation Portable: BUT LOOK WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH-
Erasey: PlayStation Portable-
PlayStation Portable: YOU GOTTA DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE!
Blackboard: PlayStation Portable we gotta-
PlayStation Portable: YOU GOTTA DRAW A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND. YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT.
PlayStation Portable: YOU GOTTA LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY 'What am I willing to put up with today?'
PlayStation Portable, motioning to PlayStation Vita: NOT FUCKING THIS!
Birdhouse: Regular soda is too sweet!
PlayStation Portable: Diet soda has a weird after taste!
Birdhouse: No! Ugh, oh my god. Diet soda is THE BEST! It doesn't have sugar! It's SPICY!
PlayStation Portable: It has other weird stuff in it! I'll take REGULAR sugar in my REGULAR soda!
Birdhouse: It's SO SWEET like it's a dessert though! Diet feels more like a drink!
PlayStation Portable: I'm going to physically attack you.
Birdhouse: Which is better, Slimey Jr?
Slimey Jr: Oh, I usually drink water!
PlayStation Portable: Wha- NO!
Birdhouse: DISGUSTING!
