u/Cloudsafterhours

Okay TMI warning.

I listened to one of those erotic audios, (very well done, hats off to the VAs), and it was about you know… the basic professor scenario.

Post nut clarity hit me like a truck the next morning (since I fell asleep…). I sat and thought; “my semester is ending, hell, my college experience is ending… I cannot relate to this shit at all.” And is that just me?

Don’t get me wrong, it’s completely in the cards for this to be a fantasy I mean duh… it’s a whole genre. But, did anyone actually have a college professor they wanted to fuck? I’m 19, I didn’t get close to any of my professors. I heavily disliked one, I *heavily* disliked him. More really his personality, his grading reflected it. But I never imagined him in that way, not my type anyway. You’d think the power dynamic would do something to me but nope, still an asshole.

Maybe I’m overthinking it, it makes perfectly good sense in a perfect world for a scenario like this to be an erotic fantasy. I just at the end of the day can’t associate it with my life. Oh well.

I had sex.

I did it, I did what I was “supposed” to. I did it multiple times, same guy, different experiences. It was weird, dry, awkward, painful, funny, stupid, nice. It wasn’t easy, nowhere near as easy as I’d ever watched with porn. It wouldn’t go in, it wouldn’t stay in, our bodies had a mind of their own. It wasn’t frustrating, it wasn’t rewarding. It felt as if a checkmark was added on the clipboard of my life. We broke up, I don’t feel used, neither does he. It wasn’t because of the sex so don’t worry about that. I don’t feel like there’s eyes on me anymore. To quote family guy, it insists upon itself. Sex is beautiful, it’s there to connect and create life. Life wasn’t created in the movie theater, that Ferris wheel, his bedroom, my bedroom, that pull out in his attic… I can’t even say there was a connection either. It didn’t feel like the movies, it didn’t feel like a book, it just felt like me and him. I’m glad to have had the experience and I’m even more glad that I don’t crave it as much anymore. I’m an adult now, well, fully. Society is different now, realistically I feel fine where I am. I can say I did it, I did it when I was supposed to. It was real, I felt human. It was quick, unexpected, immature, sloppy. I’m grateful.

As I’m writing this I’m emotional.

I’m emotional because I did it, I did it before vows, I did it when I turned 18, I did not do it under Gods blessing. I hid, I ran, we giggled, we planned.

Each time was different, each time was a different emotion. Some times it was out of excitement or curiosity, other times it was to make up for something. I was angry with him a lot, we weren’t compatible. I would get mad at him and him at me, ultimately, a kiss would happen at the end of the day, or maybe someone’s face between their thighs… good times.

I did it, I don’t feel guilty. I don’t think miss him, I don’t know if I crave his body. I could do better, I just don’t want to. I’m lazy.

Thank you, I still feel heavy but maybe it was the pudding earlier. :)