97th percentile in PIEAS, but my family’s "Money Lie" is making me want to end it all. 18F Peshawar, trapped and hopeless.
I am writing this because I have no one else to talk to. I’m an 18F from Peshawar, and I am currently in a gap year that has turned into a mental health nightmare.
I just got my PIEAS entry test results: 93.8 aggregate (97 percentile). In any other family, this would be a celebration. In mine, it’s a death sentence for my dreams.
I was pushed into Pre-Medical for years because of the "Doctor" title. My parents promised they would pay 1 crore+ for a private med college just for the "social prestige." But the moment I told them I wanted to do CS and that I got into the best engineering school in the country (PIEAS) everything changed.
My parents earn a combined ~80k a month for a family of five. My dad spends everything on the household; my mom saves her portion. When I was doing Pre-Medical, my mom repeatedly promised, "I will pay the heavy fees for medical college myself."
The moment I chose Computer Science, the narrative flipped. My mom now says "Go ask your dad for the money," knowing full well he can’t afford it. When I asked them who would have paid for the MBBS they promised, they had no answer. They didn't lie about having money they lied about their willingness to spend it on me if I wasn't a doctor. They are willing to let me starve for a "reputable" title, but won't spend a fraction of that for a "tech" degree they don't understand.
My mom told me today that I should stay in a local college in Peshawar because "what will people say about a girl living in a hostel in Islamabad?" (the "haya" trap) They want me to take "inspiration" from my cousins who are teachers or bank clerks,,, women who stayed local, stayed quiet, and got married off
I’ve researched scholarships (KP, PIEAS need-based etc). I told them I’ll work my heart out to get them. I even mentioned freelancing or working during my degree to cover costs. Their response? "That’s all delulu. Your 'I'll try' won't help us in the 3rd semester when you fail to get a scholarship and we are stuck with the bill." They are weaponizing the "worst-case scenario" to keep me trapped, while they were willing to ignore all financial risks for MBBS.
The Truth is yes I want to escape. I’ll say it clearly. I want exposure. I want a different life. I want to leave this city where I am constantly shamed for being ambitious. I have decided I don't want to get married for at least the next 8-10 years, but my family is already looking at me as a "burden" to be shifted to someone after a "decent" local degree. I know PIEAS is not a vacation. I know the academics are brutal and the ragra is real. I am ready for that hell if it means escaping the hell of staying in this city and living a life I hate.
I might eventually get a seat in Peshawar, but I will spend the rest of my life regretting the opportunity I had in my hands today. To be in the top 3% of the test-takers and be told I have to throw it away for "log kya kahenge" and "we can't afford this" is killing me. I feel like my only way out of this "marriage/local college" trap is to just not exist at all. I feel like I am being punished for being ambitious. I don't know what will happen next, and how to talk to them