It's difficult for me to engage with places I'm not supposed to be when I'm with people who don't really want me there.
It's difficult to pretend I believe I am accepted.
It's hard to fold in the truth- that I'm always made square by my pain, and all the worlds spaces are round.
It's devastating to be reminded that there is no place to heal. And that my role is still to swallow pain in silence. And that any deviation from that proves the rule.
I wonder what it's like to be held by community while your heart breaks? For space to be made for your grief? For your admissions of pain and guilt to be met with acceptance and love? To be comforted instead of silenced.
To have the cost for community involve something other than setting everything I love about myself on a shelf to give others room to stretch and scream.
I've never known. I've always just been what you hate now. Me.
And I'm screaming inside every day.
I'm screaming inside and even my whispers in corners make you angry.
Because what happened to me recently is something I'm supposed to ignore until it goes away. And if I can't do that- I need to shut up.
And all the things before I haven't folded in correctly.
TLDR: feeling awkward today.