So for context, I've identified as a trans woman for many years and still do, but for the past few months I've been looking more into transhumanism to the point of completely identifying as one. I've always hated my body in both looks and the feeling of flesh, so I connected a lot to other people's journeys that I read up on.
My parents are generally accepting people, Christian, liberal but not as leftist as I'd hope them to be. My Dad is pretty cool with whatever, but my Mom is a bit more apprehensive about change. It took her a while and several arguments to start using my name and pronouns and has been uncomfortably judgemental when it comes to things like piercings or polyamory, so it was mostly her I was keeping it from. It's difficult because I still live with them and don't have any social life outside the house.
Anyway, last night I had a very dysphoric attack and couldn't take it anymore. I went on messenger and texted them the following:
*Hey guys, just wanted to tell you what I was dealing with today and have been for some time now. Basically, a while ago now, I discovered about myself that I am not just Transgender, I am also Transhumanist. I know you may be confused on what this means, so I will explain what it means to me personally. Transhumanism to me is the belief that people uncomfortable in their bodies have the right to modify their forms in whatever way that would make them feel comfortable as opposed to dysmorphic or dysphoric, including both biological or mechanical augmentation or entire consciousness transference into an artificial body. As of now, this technology is obviously purely speculative, however it is a genuine belief among us that it will be a reality one day and a net positive for people who feel how we do. I can understand you may be confused/concerned with this, I expect it. Even a lot of people in the Trans community shuns the idea and refuse to engage with the concept. I don't want you to feel I don't trust you, but it did take a while for you to fully accept my trans identity, which is seen as a lot more "realistic" of a goal, and I did not want to go through that turmoil again. I am sorry if you feel upset by this, but I feel I need to take my mental health more seriously, and am hoping by telling you through these messages that things can be cleared up. I want to make one thing very clear; This is not a joke. This is not a debate. This is how I feel. This is who I am. If you do not understand fully, I will be willing to educate, but please do not think that this is something I can be dissuaded from, because it isn't. No action has to be taken between us, this tech is clearly far beyond the current landscape anyway. All I am asking is for emotional support when it comes to how I express these things. Eventually when the technology is available, I would like to transfer my consciousness into a mechanical body. I have a clear idea of what my goals are on what I want to, and do not want to be, and I hope you can accept that. Please remember that no matter what, I love you both so much and want to have a good relationship with you. I am willing to accept every aspect of your own lives that differs from me, I pray you will accept this aspect of mine. I love you guys. XXXXX*
I had a pretty difficult nights sleep, only really slept about 2 hours and felt like shit in the morning. I checked if they'd responded and Mom had left this message.
*I am sorry you feel so uncomfortable in your own body. I hate to think of how unhappy you are, but just hope there are things you can do that help you to accept who you are now as wishing our lives away for something that may never be is not a happy way to live. You know that we love you and accept you. The problem here is helping you to love and accept yourself. Perhaps you can discuss this with the psychiatrist? I think a trip to the drs would be a good idea too. We love you and want you to be safe and live a happy life. Love Mum xx*
This response gave me a real red flag right away. It seemed like she was thinking that my feelings on the matter were something that could be "dealt with" by talking to healthcare professionals. However, I didn't want to jump to conclusions and gave her the benefit of the doubt as she seemed fine when I came down for breakfast. Later she came into my room (not an unusual occurrence) and wanted to talk, so I accepted. It didn't go too well.
I could tell she was upset bc she looked at me like I was crazy. She started off by telling me she was worried because she didn't want me to die. I told her that I had not had suicidal tendencies in a long time, which she was happy about. She said that, to her, humans can only live in a human body, and if I transferred into a machine, she would consider me dead. This obviously upset me and I explained I thought she would be able to understand the differences between body and soul, but she ignored that.
She then began crying and asking me to see things from her point of view that I was not appreciating the body she made for me. I've always held issue when she does stuff like this, of course I know its gonna effect other people, but it's my life, should I not have a say in the matter? She said to me that I should love my body and that everyone has self-esteem issues (another deflection). It genuinely feels like she thinks more about how it affects her than me sometimes.
Eventually I asked her straight up if she saw my feelings as genuine. She said she has no idea how I feel (despite me telling her pretty clearly) and that my gender and sexual identity has fluctuated over the years and this might be another phase. I told her that the reason that happened was because I was experimenting and trying to figure myself out, and that now I've done more research, I am confident in my identity. I asked her what it would feel like if she woke up in the wrong body, she said that's irrelevant as that's not how I feel, when it most certainly is.
At this point, I was the one who was crying. She told me that I need to focus on the here and now instead of something I can't change. Why can't I do both? I can be upset about my body and still have fun doing activities. I bought this up later when she compared my situation to people living in abusive households or war-torn countries (another really bad faith argument)
She seemed properly angry at this point, saying I was a hypocrite because I'm against AI. To make my stance clear, I am not against the idea of algorithms that can help people automate their workflow, nor the eventual possibility of artificial life. My stance is against the techno-oligarchy that steals the work and creative expression of artists in order to train their shitty LLMs which are forcing workers into poverty, harming the environment and giving awful advice to people that has lead to death. In addition, I have friends who have had their artwork and voices ran through AI and cloned non-consensually, so I am fully against that worldview. She's known about my stances against privatised tech and healthcare for years, so for her to boil it down to "you just hate all AI" infuriated me.
After this, we both just kept repeating the same things over and over again. Eventually she gave me a hug, told me she loved me, and left. I'm still finding it so difficult to come to terms with her denying who I am. The fact she used basically every transphobic argument, just replacing gender for humanism, terrified me. I love my mom so much, but this really hurt to hear. My dad hasn't talked about it yet, but he goes along with basically everything and is super chill so he's probably cool with it. It just sucks knowing the people who you love the most have asterisks that come with that.
Sorry for the vent post, just wanted to share with people that may have had the same experiences. Peace and love.