please help, i could use some worldly advice. ive been alone for a long time. i had abusive parents (my dad drank and was incarcerated for domestic violence when i was a child and my mom was suicidal and still struggles with mental health, ive struggled with suicide too with the exposure at a young age), im 38 years old now and ive been a practicing Christian for 3.5 years. ive hardly missed a sunday church service in that time. i moved out of my parents house 6 years ago, i took way to long to grow up and im ashamed of that but they manipulated me and didnt want me to leave and my dad is handicapped but i left anyway because i wanted my own life. i started volunteering for local non profits after i moved out, ones that help abused kids and one that builds beds for underprivileged kids. my community work has meant so much to me. i have a okay job that i hope i can keep but ive been doing it for 13 years. im a college graduate (barely i suppose). but ive never believed in God. I identified as a atheist as a child and it was part of my defiance. it was part of how i knew nobody really cared for me (my dad frequently got drunk and told me and everyone that would listen that i was a mistake (my parents have a 20 year age gap)). but i started going to church. maybe to try and fit it, maybe for something to do Sundays because i always noticed my mental health was bad then. I've worked hard to get my self into better physical shape than i was when i was young but ive never been in a serious relationship. a coworker of mine who was 11.5 years younger than me asked me for my phone number a couple years ago and it was a nightmare for 1.5 years. we were off and on and i always took her back i suppose because i was weak, but i never had a intimate relationship with her. after her and the disappointment i started using dating apps. Ive found someone that i cant believe wants to be with me but shes such a devout Christian. Ive been a practicing Christian before her but im still not well educated in God's word. Ive been doing more bible reading lately and have been listening to daily audiobooks of the bible every day for the last 3 months. But im still scared that im not a good enough believer and i dont know if ive been entirely honest with her about that. ive told her that i feel like she is a better believer than me and she said thats okay but how can i become a better believer? ive always been kind of scientific i guess but ive always wondered if I should really let Gods love replace the lack of love i felt from my father or not.
u/Classic-Mammoth-3343
please help, i could use some worldly advice. ive been alone for a long time. i had abusive parents (my dad drank and was incarcerated for domestic violence when i was a child and my mom was suicidal and still struggles with mental health, ive struggled with suicide too with the exposure at a young age), im 38 years old now and ive been a practicing Christian for 3.5 years. ive hardly missed a sunday church service in that time. i moved out of my parents house 6 years ago, i took way to long to grow up and im ashamed of that but they manipulated me and didnt want me to leave and my dad is handicapped but i left anyway because i wanted my own life. i started volunteering for local non profits after i moved out, ones that help abused kids and one that builds beds for underprivileged kids. my community work has meant so much to me. i have a okay job that i hope i can keep but ive been doing it for 13 years. im a college graduate (barely i suppose). but ive never believed in God. I identified as a atheist as a child and it was part of my defiance. it was part of how i knew nobody really cared for me (my dad frequently got drunk and told me and everyone that would listen that i was a mistake (my parents have a 20 year age gap)). but i started going to church. maybe to try and fit it, maybe for something to do Sundays because i always noticed my mental health was bad then. I've worked hard to get my self into better physical shape than i was when i was young but ive never been in a serious relationship. a coworker of mine who was 11.5 years younger than me asked me for my phone number a couple years ago and it was a nightmare for 1.5 years. we were off and on and i always took her back i suppose because i was weak, but i never had a intimate relationship with her. after her and the disappointment i started using dating apps. Ive found someone that i cant believe wants to be with me but shes such a devout Christian. Ive been a practicing Christian before her but im still not well educated in God's word. Ive been doing more bible reading lately and have been listening to daily audiobooks of the bible every day for the last 3 months. But im still scared that im not a good enough believer and i dont know if ive been entirely honest with her about that. ive told her that i feel like she is a better believer than me and she said thats okay but how can i become a better believer? ive always been kind of scientific i guess but ive always wondered if I should really let Gods love replace the lack of love i felt from my father or not.