u/CicadaTile

DCIS x2 August 2024, rads Oct 2024, bmx +slnb + expanders Nov 2025, exchange to implants Mar 2026.

My husband was rubbing my back a few weeks ago, and I was surprisingly quite tender on my shoulder blade where my bra strap runs on my rads side. Figured I bumped it and forgot about it until today when for the first time since then, he rubbed my back again, same focused pain. So, shit. Fortunately I see my rads onc for a regular check-in next Thursday where I'd planned to discuss what's going on with my rads boob since the bmx, and now I'm choosing to assume (which I do think is logical, but you know how we are all always logical) this weird pain is also rads related. Right? Because of course I think the worst. Stressing here because I'd rather not to my family.

Lord.

I walked to the river 3 houses down from my house because my mom.died 4 weeks ago, I had exchange to implant surgery 5 days before that, and somehow I didn't magically feel OK about the bmx which somehow I thought I would once I was "done." I had a difficult relationship with my mom. And emotions went shit tonight so I went for a walk and sat down on a bench by the river to have a decent cry and pray about it all.

And no sooner than I sit down when a car pulls up, lights shining on me, which makes me nervous after about 30 seconds. So I get up and it's a rookie cop walking to meet me. Park closed 30 minutes ago, then he notices that I've been crying, so I explain that my mom died and I had a double mastectomy and I live 3 doors down right next to the mayor. I'm not upset or hysterical, just teary. He's nice and says that's fine, take all the time you need and goes back to his car. I resume my spot on the bench and resume crying. Another cop car pulls up, they talk, and rookie comes back toward me so I get up and meet him again. He wants to know if I'm in crisis and need to talk to someone. I wanted to pat his sweet head and say son, sometimes grief just hits hard and I'm ok. this is just how it goes. So that's what I told him without the head pat and son parts lol. The cancer card that I thought would ensure him leaving me alone actually resulted in the second visit! I did thank him for caring and left for home. Good grief.