Sometimes online someone will message me and I'll look at their profile and see cool stuff they do. Like traveling, going outside and being active, having a career or interesting job and hobbies, and I just immediately feel ashamed. Especially if they're someone conventionally attractive (I specify this because my personal range of who I find attractive is basically universal lol, but it's worse when I think of how I'd look like a gross little fat freak next to someone the public would perceive as good-looking).
Like I genuinely get horrible embarrassment, even if they might actually like me and want to talk to me I am just convinced I am the most boring, most ugly, most pathetic creature to ever draw breath on this godforsaken planet. It makes me simultaneously act a little desperate through oversharing or talking to much and also avoidant and want to run away before they can abandon or make fun of me first.
I usually am at peace with myself until I realize that to other normal people I would just be a leech that's not good for anything but sitting around. Not even sitting around looking pretty because I don't even have that going for me. It makes me want to apologize and grovel like "I'm sorry for thinking I deserved to talk to someone like you, I shouldn't even breathe the same air, guess I'll hop off a cliff" but I also am completely aware that is especially bizarre and unnerving behavior so I obviously don't actually say that crap.
It's just so weird. I feel like I can't fit in with other people and it creates all these horrible self-sabotage urges. It's such a strong feeling of "I want you to like me" along with my brain prematurely resigning itself to "I know you won't like me" due to factors outside of my control. I'm working to exercise more and hopefully lose weight but it's not like I can change my disability or face or hormonal disorder or mental illness. But then I also feel bad about that because I am a pretty accepting person, I have and had people in my life who society would reject as useless or ugly but have loved them dearly. It makes me feel like I'm the judgmental one for presuming my shortcomings would prevent me from someone I perceive as "better than me" liking me.
Half vent half ramble, just wanted to see if anyone else understood what I mean mostly! It is such a weird feeling / thought process that I'd love to hear other people's experiences too.