I’m 22 and so is my best-friend, we’ve been friends for roughly 4 years now. I feel as though this problem is becoming worse as time goes on.
Shes always been a very blunt person and says what she wants to say with almost no filter however it can come across very rude. I know that in her mind she thinks it’s just “being honest and upfront” and she is aware of this trait as she’s spoken about it before “I know I can be blunt” however it gets to a point where I’ll shut down and she keeps going.
For example: A while ago now I was driving to work and a police officer had pulled me over for driving unregistered to which I was unaware of (which I obviously understand is my responsibility to be on top of and personal stressors/external factors isn’t an excuse) I was treated quite terribly by the officer to the point where I was holding back tears and ended up submitting a complaint against the officer. I had vented to my friend about this situation and was still very upset over how I was treated only to be told off and lectured by her (she is a law student so she does get quite passionate about these kinds of things and likes to play the “devils advocate” as she likes to say and gets carried away quite easily). Me venting to her turned into a lecture of “well I understand that the officer was like that since most people who drive unregistered are doing so on purpose, I’m not dismissing how they treated you but this was your fault and it’s a serious offence and you really have no excuse and this was for you to keep on top of, you’re lucky all you got was a fine, this is serious, you should’ve lost your license-“ and so on and so on (it went on for quite a while). It really upset me further since I was already quite distressed and going to her for some comfort, not to be lectured and spoken down on. I am obviously aware of certain aspects of the law and know right from wrong I’m not an idiot. This situation does get brought up from time to time and it’s the same shpeal over and over.
I know that she deeply cares for me and I know I’m an important person to her and our friendship means a lot to her. I know that she’s not intentionally trying to make me feel this way but at the same time I feel as though you’re able to kind of gage the vibe and can read a persons face/body language and can see if you’re affecting them. Her and I are quite intuitive people and can get a good feel of others emotions quite easily so I don’t know if she just doesn’t care since she believes she knows more/is better? I’m not sure if she just gets so carried away and can’t stop herself? I have no clue but in those kind of moments I shut down and I become visibly upset.
I’ve also mentioned to her recently that I’ve got a lot of mental health issues and a difficult living situation that I need to talk to her about since all of those things have been affecting me and I just need to let my thoughts out. Not necessarily needing advice but just for someone I trust to listen to me as I always do for her. I began to talk about my issues and lo and behold it not only turned into somewhat of a lecture but also about her own experiences and thoughts. I shut down as I always do because I’m not the kind of person who speaks up for themselves and find it quite hard to do so. I did try to swerve the topic back onto what I was wanting to talk about without being rude but I barely was able to get a word in. It really upset me because I’ve really got no other friends I can talk to about these kinds of things and have been feeling very pent up with it all and was excited to get it all out and feel some sort of relief so I’m very disappointed to say the least.
I know that I am a good friend to her. I listen to her and ask about her and let her ramble on about her interests and her job however I don’t ever get that same respect. If I do manage to rant about something small I notice that she somewhat looses interest and finds it hard to pay attention to me (I see her trail off and stare off). She has made a comment once before saying that she is aware of how she turns situations into something to do with herself but does nothing to try to not? I feel like it’s maybe because I am too soft spoken and I just let her ramble on because I don’t want to be mean/make her upset but it’s just unfair on me and it’s gotten to a point where I’m aware of how drained I am after seeing her and spending time with her. I’m just not sure how to navigate this since she can also be quite defensive at times. I’m scared of loosing my one best friend.
I have also noticed more recently how when she rambles on about the law and her job she can be very condescending and speak to me as if I don’t know anything? I may not be studying law but it does interest me and like I mentioned earlier I’m familiar with certain aspects of law as I studied it also in high school as she also knows. She will go on these rants and I know she’s passionate but she will over explain and sometimes over explain some really basic concepts making me feel like I’m lesser than. I shut down like always and eventually nod off throwing in a “yeah” and “oh okay” to show her that I’m listening. These rants range from 30mins minimum and can go for over an hour.
Apologies for how long this is but I’m just very upset and unsure of what to do. I don’t know if I’m also just overreacting and being too sensitive? She is a great person but it’s difficult being her friend sometimes.
…help 🥲🙏