Since I really prefer a book over a series of social media posts for in-depth topics, I waited until it came out in print (and on audio) to dive into The Burned Haystack Dating Method. I had two interests. First, I am a man who dates women, so I want to know what women are interested in and discussing regarding dating these days. And second, Jennie Young is a rhetoric professor from my home state. I *love* language, along with a local person who has done well. So I am reading it. Not quite done yet, but I need to share this.
I'm not going to summarize the book or the method. That's been done in a lot of places. I am going to list a bunch of reasons why the existence and thesis of this book is good news for men who want to date women, because I see some niggling concerns from the gentlemen. Rest assured, my brothers, it is *entirely* upside. All of it. I have found nothing in the book that I disagree with, much less anything that I would consider foreboding or a threat.
- This book exists. That's good. It is a book by a woman who wants to date men, for women who want to date men. It could not be popular at all unless there were an audience of women who want to date men. That's great news for guys who want to date women!
- The method will make it easier for women to date men *on the apps.* The book is a method for app-based dating, entirely. We all know that there are more men than women on the apps. We *should* all know that there are about as many single men as there are single women, which means that the apps are apparently not attracting single women. This book aims to make the apps more attractive (less repellent?) for women, which may help reduce the gender imbalance there. That's good for guys who date on the apps.
- Getting right out in front of it, while the methods in the book could be used across a wider swath of values frameworks than the author covers, the fact is that she's a very liberal feminist, writing for very liberal, feminist women, looking for liberal, feminist men. If you are a man who is more conservative or traditional, *this is still good news.* At the very worst, this book will have exactly zero impact on your dating life, because women who would be a good match for you *won't be reading it.* It's irrelevant to them. More positively, the liberal feminists who would not be good matches for you will quickly self-select themselves away from you, thereby making *your* searching job easier. The author is very clear about who her audience is; she's not going to accidentally convert anyone to feminism. They came to her, not the other way around. Rest easy, my dudes.
- Speaking of picky women, contrary to possible impressions, the author actually recommends that women on the apps *reduce* their match criteria, that is, broaden the scope of the men they are willing to look at. She specifically recommends *against* filtering for degree status, but also height, income, and even geography. All those things dudes can get insecure about (hair!), she recommends ignoring. She speaks in glowing terms, several times, about very impressive blue-collar men she has met, and the insignificance of income for a woman who has her own means. If you're a guy who worries about getting immediately disqualified for something like that, this author has your back.
- The big one: the bar is *so* low. Jennie lays out a whole bunch of quick strategies for searching through (and eliminating) men who don't match the criteria that she and her fans are looking for. But the things she is looking for are laughably easy. Honestly, I was outright insulted at how easy they are. This book is being pitched as the peak of the trope of "picky women," and .... damn, really? That's it? Be kind, be honest, have at least a rough idea about the reality of someone else's experience, and make truly nominal efforts at a point where some amount of effort is appropriate. Jennie goes off more than twice on how impressive men are, "They are philosophers and heart surgeons and rocket scientists. They build bridges and write books and fix so many things. Surely, they can do a little bit of work when they are dating." And it really is a very small amount of effort she's asking for.
My heart breaks for the experiences that she and a lot of her fans reported. It is bad out there, sometimes awfully so. The bad examples she describes would be comical if they were fictional. But they are not. While the existence of this book is, in the world as it exists now, a good thing, the *necessity* of this book is a crying shame. I like women, generally. And I am so sad that these people I like see the sort of things that they do. They shouldn't have to.
But we carry on, which is the thrust of the entire Haystack method: *despite* the potential for some truly awful things, these are brave, determined gals who want to land a bloke badly enough that they are willing to *train* for the effort of doing so. They are studying up on a kind of kung-fu that will allow them to survive, if not unscathed, at least with less damage than they might otherwise have incurred in the dating arena.
Anyway, I recommend the book to anyone with interest in language, people, and/or modern romance. No drama. Just looking for peace.