u/Choice-Astronomer572

Despite all this,I want to live and create a loving happy family at a far place and should look after my parents but at a distance ( only then i could even imagine a happy family).I'm 27 now .Can someone say what I can do to achieve this dream despite all the negative thoughts I have?I have fallen in love twice ,but both the times I just confessed and moved on .deep down I knew it ll never work out.because i have seen enough in my home and not ready to risk my life in another family .I don't want to give someone like me with a traumatic childhood to someone who deserves a good life. Because my parents never divorced and for no reason are staying together for the sake of society,I hate the whole concept of it.I do feel tempted at times of having a loving family when I see a nice movie or series where someone like me end up good.But at other times when I'm at home,I'm very much sceptical about it.My parents have done their best to bring me up.But the constant feeling of threat I am experiencing at home since childhood makes me worried whether I might turn out to be like them or my partner can turn out like them and ultimately a child will have to go through all that I went through.Im just afraid I shouldn't make any unconscious decision of marrying someone without being sure of the life we can build together.Lately ,I'm hating myself for the person I am at home.But I also feel I can't be otherwise in such a household.Now they have become old,when everytime a fight comes,I go down to their level ,shout , disrespect which I have not done much in my childhood.I don't like the adult I have become.I don't behave like this outside or when there's no fight at home.Also I'm afraid of having a family as they would accuse me of not taking care of them if I look after the new family.but don't know what I'm going to do by living alone.No one has ever chosen me.That adds on to my fear that maybe I'm weird unlovable because I'm from such a family.And the most important fear is that I ll not turn out to be a good wife or mother or I might replicate my parents because as an adult I feel all their negatives in me.