u/ChloeTheComputer

I (M28) recently had sex for the first time in almost a year with my wife (F27) and it was rough. It started off with mostly touching her, which I was okay, enjoying actually, I just happened to also be picturing her touching me in the same way. (Important note: I have not come out to anyone yet.) But then she asked me to penetrate her, which broke the illusion of us being lesbian lovers in my head. It was then the most forced and unpleasurable experience. How did some of you do for so long? I feel like I’m on the verge of losing my mind, I’ll be happy one moment and then I remember I’m a guy or I’ll realize I can’t participate in something and it hurts. I feel like I’m crumbling on the inside while pretending to hold it all together.

Some background:

I use to be able to AP pretty consistently when I was younger (late adolescence through teenage years). I even experienced my fair share of “body hopping” when I was a kid (I know it’s the right word, but I was able to briefly kick someone out of their own body and inhabit the body for a few seconds/minutes; now that I’m older I realize that’s really messed up, but hey just giving some background) (Don’t know if it matters but I was only ever to “body hop” into women). Fast forward to late teenage years, I began utilizing AP as a way to escape, I felt lighter, happier, and I appeared as a woman (I’m assigned male at birth). This really made me feel authentically me, because at this point in time I was already questioning my gender identity. However, in a moment of anger and depression, I took a bunch of pain meds and alcohol, went to sleep and attempted to cut the silver cord while APing. Ever since that day I lost all connection to the metaphysical. I use to be able to AP, Lucid Dreams, I had premonitions, I could also “time slip” (visit different points in my lifetime or alternate realities, not sure if it’s real or the right word), I truly believed one day I could be a witch.

Fast forward to about a month ago, I was speaking with a friend of me who confided in me and told me that they themselves are a witch and a dreamer and her boyfriend is a dreamer and can AP. I mentioned that I haven’t been able to AP in years and she said that I just need to focus, relax, and meditate.

What recommendations do you have to help me reconnect with myself and begin Astral Projecting again? Or just tell me I’m crazy, that works too 😊

Feel free to ask any questions. I’ll answer them as fast as I can.