I grew up in a sect. Can you take a look from the side?
Hi everyone. Today I want to share an unpleasant story about myself. I want to see your outside perspective and, ideally, your thoughts on how I can turn my life around. Better not read this if you don’t want your mood ruined — you’ve been warned.
So, I grew up in a Protestant sect that studied the Bible in depth, but mostly other literature. Until I was 10, it wasn’t a sect — just regular church attendance like everyone else. But after that came a split, and then it gradually became full-blown cult life.
From age 10, I was forced into religion. I didn’t want it, but I had no choice. Luckily, I went to a regular school and college, so I grew up fairly normal and, back then, smart. The years went by — daily readings, indoctrination. I half-believed in it all, because on one hand, it really was about virtue, and they taught some genuinely right things, but… deep down I knew this wasn’t for me. I became a half-believer who knew a lot about religion — including the fact that half-believers deserve harsh punishment. Knowing this tormented me. At the same time, I found refuge in being a nerd (yes, despite everything, they couldn’t take that away from me, thanks to my half-believing dad; my mom was the cultist).
It went like this: worship service — free time on my phone — daily responsibilities — back to my phone. I wouldn’t say I was addicted, but I spent a lot of time on it. I remember it clearly: you’d leave a service feeling enlightened, and go straight to your phone — the embodiment of the Antichrist. It felt like this cycle, this recklessness, was killing something alive in me. Over the years in the sect, I grew colder every year. I was still quite emotional, but… my soul was cooling down — my sense of love, attachment, kindness, the ability to be myself — all of it faded.
I had friends, but an honest, non-swearing, and eventually cold person can’t be a good friend. By 18, I was alone. But despite everything, I felt fine. My mind was fresh and agile. I thought I could do anything… until…
At 18, my mom said she was moving to a village with the community and leaving me alone with my father (he was a Group 1 disabled person. He has since passed). I fell apart. I didn’t mention this, but I was deeply attached to my mom, even if my love for her had cooled. In childhood, she loved me with pure love, was strict when needed — she was a model mother. But with religion, she began to see me as someone she would have to leave behind for God if necessary. She was consumed by religion, and I moved to a different plane. And strangely, I wasn’t even offended, though I should have been.
So, the thought of her moving consumed me. I wasn’t even afraid of losing my mother as such — I understood it was for religious reasons, that she’d still be in touch — I was afraid for my relationship with God. I couldn’t understand what to do, who I was in religious terms now. Total confusion surrounded me without a clear cause or way out. And it became an obsession. I thought about it nonstop, waking and sleeping. I clung to religion and began studying it intensely, even though I’d almost lost interest before and was just going through the motions.
I remember striving to become better and to do no harm to anyone — and it reached idiotic levels. For example, while playing lego with some kid, I was afraid to play "war" with him, so I wouldn’t set a bad example and earn God’s condemnation. There were many such cases. To some extent, it stuck in my mind — I became a kind-hearted idiot. My will, my desires became confused. I couldn’t say what I wanted or didn’t want. I stopped understanding what it even means to want something (and that has stayed with me to this day). Over time, my thoughts were flooded with religious texts. I felt like I had to understand something, but I never did. I developed a animal fear of judgment — the judgment I’d heard so much about. I began examining my own mind, looking at my consciousness and its components metaphysically, and this has tormented me for four years now. I tried to "catch" God’s influence on my mind for some reason, but of course it was all in vain. I developed a sense of being watched by God — or rather, it’s a pattern in my thoughts, if you look closely. And eventually, I became a supervisor of myself, watching my own thoughts and motives. I became a hostage to myself.
A year after this all began, they moved away. I was left alone, but still in contact with them — I even visited them a couple of times. The learned behavior described above became me. I am always lost in thought, often negative thoughts. A nerd, but now truly a stupid one, and everyone around thinks so.
Another two years later, I finally had the courage to leave that place. To be honest, I didn’t leave from some noble realization that it was complete madness — I just left. And they even praised me for my honesty. But even after that, my life didn’t change much. I had more free time, that’s all. I can’t say the people there were cruel or as cold as me — on the contrary, they often supported me, but… it’s not right. Whatever they did, I would have chosen a different life if I could.
Now I feel like melted wax, abandoned by myself, and afraid — just afraid (I hope you understand that description). I can interact with people normally, and now (for about six months), as I’ve started actually working on myself, I’m gradually "thawing". Psychiatry has been absolutely useless. Psychotherapy (I’ve attended four good therapists) has also been almost useless. Recently, I’ve gotten rid of most of my negative thoughts — no matter how justified they were, I’ve become more open, stopped being a hermit.
But I’m not the same person anymore. It’s like manipulating a dead body’s limbs and pretending they’re real movements. I still vividly and powerfully feel this inner coldness, this indifference to myself, my own happiness, and to others. It’s almost like autism, I don’t know. I’m ready to make excuses for myself and even for others for their actions. I’m living my life in vain, even when I try to do something. I’m 22 now. The last four years haven’t been completely wasted, but not lived as they should have been. Many things weren’t taught to me that parents should teach — instead, I was taught things no one should be taught. If this continues, my youth — which comes only once — and maybe my entire life, will be a dull mess, without joy, love, happiness, or any long-awaited relief.
So, as of today, I see my main problems as:
· Inner coldness as described above — emotional coldness, chronic emptiness · Constant rumination about myself, about God, about something else — surveillance over every little thing I do. Mental noise, basically. · Feeling like a brain-dead idiot for not having drawn strong enough conclusions all this time, for sitting in rumination and depression, and still not having built a new, wonderful version of myself. · Weak character.
Write what you think. I’m curious to read it. I’ll be grateful for any words of support or a slap in the face to knock some sense into my stupid head. This is probably my last attempt to find help from outside, because I’ve had enough of therapists and conversations with AIs. After this, I won’t leave myself any alternatives — I’ll either act on my own or die like a weak link.