Need help I don't want to end my life like this
Long story ahead
I'm a mbbs doc graduated last year, working remotely,this addiction started from pre-university days which started initially betting pocket money ,when I joined medschool 1st year was fine,but deep down i never wanted to become a doc,was looking for ways to escape and to get settled early,I found stock and index options,this is where my life started to spiral, initially gathered some money here and there stared trading eventually loosing everything like 20lakhs then told family this happened they cleared,2nd time same story lost 15lakh again convinced family this happened around 6-7 times from my 2nd year till i finish medschool,there are no words for me to explain what I went through this period and the pain I gave to everyone one surrounding me,I lost my 8yr gf who was so attached to me forgave every fuckin time until i borrowed too much from her credit,put her in massive debt ,which broke her down completely,still she didn't say much and quietly went far away from me because we both couldn't live for hours without talking to each other , secondly in my family only me and mother is present I gave her so much trauma she went from having her proud son to extent she would say why don't u die ,even if I want to kill you i couldn't so pls go and die,nextly i lost all of my caring friends and well wishers who lend me money thinking I might be in trouble plus these loan sharks harrassed me like anything ,I was quite for some 6-7months because I didn't have money to even eat ,now I am in job i lost all my 4months salary in 2-3hours,i consulted psyctriast took therapy nothing worked for me,I don't what will happen to me I gave my all accounts to my mother somehow I will find a loophole will start doing this i definitely know I will be loosing this money still at that phase i won't remembering anything I will be in trance ,i don't have any words I am feeling now I am broke don't have money to eat I have not a single person whom even I can ask money for 1time food,from being most populous guy among college friends family to being a person who is nobody and if any knows about you that is the guy who took money from everybody and ran away ,I wanted to end my life all along many times I made up my mind still I am so scared of death ,I'm in a state where I definitely don't want to live anymore but I am so scared of death ,I don't wish this to not even my worst enemy
Coming to gambling and trading part,started with gambling sports,to get into stock and index options,to finally gambling anything everything I don't know what i am i don't want any assurance I don't have any willpower,even if I made up my mind how will I dive back i definitely don't know I am so sick of myself if I had my son doing this I would have ripped his apart by now I don't know how my mom have left me yet