hi guys. 29 y/o female here. gifted kid, star child of the family academically, broke all records - first to go abroad for university. but since 10 years - stayed in a neurosis - split self where i would actively refuse any positive reinforcment. younger version beleifs were imprinted - i programmed myself for negativity based on hate and non-acceptance from parents (they never wanted a girl). they plastered terrible labels onto me and i latched on. then in the last 10 years since i moved out for uni - have been stuck in cycles and barely touching my potential - staying in the old label. today i tried shadow work after a dear set of relationships fell apart.
labels like - you'll never be able to make relationships, you were never happy, you will always suffer, you'll be successful but all this will find its way back to you (all this being me when i would suffer an emotional breakdown due to her withholding affection and discarding my feelings"), plus other lots of narc mother wound stuff. lead to a lot of shit which wont be useful to go here.
what i thought was an inferiority complex turned out to be this belief: "i must remain the same as what i was told otherwise they will be wrong" my dear mentor who gave me fatherly love and support told me this too. but never accepted it for 3 years. actually thought that all this was not curable. anyway.
turns out this is an unconscious loyalty bond formed early - when the child realises theres an imbalance by primary caregiver - so i need the caregiver hence they cant be wrong, therefore it's me im the problem so ill fix it - if theyre wrong then that means survival is not possible right.
So while for the last 3 years i moved away from my family and found really supportive, loving, fun people who loved me for who i was, i coudlnt rtruly accept my potential and develop a directoin in life. but shit hit the fan last week and here i am doing shadow work because now i beleive that it's overcome-able, if that's even a word. anyway. wrote this from the heart.
so yeah i wanna reinstall my sense of self using the 1000s of acheivements, peoples love, problem solving, fun/endearing original personality moments that felt blocked until i truly began to see that it was that unconscious loyalty lock keeping me stuck in those absolute labels. why would i be loyal to them? why? i want to accept myself as i am and live my real self, my true life.