Last year I miscarried on my birthday with covid.
Last Wednesday we transferred two embryos we called Spaghetti and Polpette. This morning I began bleeding, went into have early bloods as my dr said that I can, got the call an hr ago that there is zero HCG so both have failed to implant, happy birthday to me. I'm 34 with 2MCs a CP and 6 failed transfers up my sleeves.
Fuck my life.
I'm only 4dpt of 2 day 4 embryos both were about to hit blastocyst stage.
And I am spiralling hard. I'm very sure I'm already out, like every other time I have slight bleeding and cramps. My period will start in the next few days. All my other 4 failures were like this but this is the first time we transferred 2 day 4s on day 5 to help with implantation and I'm absolutely positive I'm out.
I've struggled all day with mother's day and I'm absolutely sure I've just wasted another 2 embryos.
I'm exhausted, I'm so fucking sad and I hate that I'm still here 2 mother's day later and I'm still without a living child. 2MCs, CP and 4 (about to be 6) failed transfers with not one implanting. I think I'm done. I think this is my limit I don't think I can do this anymore.
I just can't keep going and being so broken at every moment. I'm sick of making mother's day gifts with the kids at school, I'm sick of going to little kids parties and I'm sick of people feeling sorry for me everywhere I go.
I'm sick of people saying kids aren't that great or once you have them you'll want to put them back in...
I just feel like I'm constantly being punished and I don't even know why. I can't work harder at this or do anything else to make this happen for us.
I can't stop crying today and I'm just so sad this is happening again.
Thank you for reading my rant and I'm so sorry to everyone living in this hell with me none of this is fair 🫂
I've been of the opinion it's okay to protect my mental health through this process after I tried so hard to push through for everyone else after my first miscarrage. I'd go to kids parties then get in my car drive home and cry for 3hrs.
I would always send gifts to baby showers when I mentally couldn't attend and would go buy them and send them with one of my sisters or friend. I would then message a few days later and apologise for not going, I mentally wasn't in the right place and I hope the world for them.
Just for some context: Last year every single person in my husband's family forgot my birthday. At the same time I was having our second miscarrage and it was the same weekend as mother's day. Not a single person messaged me, from his side about either my birthday or to say sorry we were having our second miscarrage (I know they knew his mum let us know weeks later she had told everyone so we didn't have to, but I did appreciate her doing that, but also made the fact none of them message even harder). His sister gave birth 2 weeks before our first due date so looking at our niece is a constant reminder for me of what I maybe could have had. I am so happy for her and her partner but looking at their happy family, while I'm struggling makes me feel like a failure (whether it is true or not it's how I feel when I see them and I'm working through that with my psych).
The issue: I said to my (often super supportive husband) that if they are planning anything for mother's day on his side, I would prefer not to attend if he was okay with that? My reasons were as follows but I did not express them in the moment: my own mum is overseas right now so I can skip one event which is great, mentally I'm in a pretty bad place, my birthday is in just over a week and a constant reminder now that we lost Cliff, we transfer our 5th and 6th embryos on Wednesday and I'm terrified, I've been on estrogen for nearly 6 weeks now and I'm mourning 3 should have been children, 4 failed transfers and can't stop thinking about how I'm still in the same if not worse place as 2 years ago.
When I said, "I don't want to go if you guys are planning anything for mother's day will you be okay with that?" He replied with, "It's not all about you love." In a snappy sarcastic tone. I simply said, "no it's not all about me, but we should have 3 children by now forgive me for not wanting to go and celebrate mother's when I'm grieving not being one, I think your family will understand if I just tell them it's painful."
He didn't really say much after that just that he doesn't know what is happening and he hasn't brought it up since and neither have I.
I feel tortured everyday making mother's day gifts with the kids I teach and I am meant to go to a morning breakfast on Thursday at the school I work at to celebrate the mums with happy mother's day written everywhere. This is not something I can put myself through without crying, and if I get in trouble for not going, so be it, I'll explain to them why I didn't go and I'm sure it will be fine after I do that. But I feel like my husband's words really hurt. I know it isn't all about me and now I'm very concerned I'm being selfish and should just go back to what I was doing before where I just go, suck it up and then cry for hours after and then move on. I genuinely felt so guilty not going already before he ever said this, that now I just don't know what to do anymore.
If you have read this far, I'm so sorry for my rambling but I'm just so unsure if I'm being unreasonable by saying not going? Am I making this all about me by not attending mother's day with his family side?