u/Cheeky_Edge311

I am an older student (turning 29 next week, actually), who completed an ABSN in 16 months as I already had a graduate degree in an unrelated STEM field. Towards the end of school I started going to therapy as this program has taken a real toll on me, and it was exacerbated by external problems (some serious family and life-related issues occurred while I was in the program that took a lot of juggling and emotional/time investments on top of the academics.).

My pinning was yesterday and I graduated cum laude (00.02 away from magna cum laude but honestly, at this point, who cares, a degree is a degree). I worked so hard in school and felt so isolated from my piers who were mostly younger and with very different life experiences and personalities. The program for me was incredibly isolating and I studied alone and tried to just keep to myself. My professors were ... bullies. I know that sounds harsh, but they were some of the most rude, unhappy, inconsiderate people I've ever met. I was told word-for-word at one point "stop asking to do things, skills, skills, skills [OP Name] that's all you want to do," and, by another professor, "you're not a real nurse yet, just sit at the nursing station and stop asking them questions and getting in the way." I was not allowed to practice any skills and was told that is not the point of me having clinical hours. My professors emphasized they did not want to teach, they simply wanted to take on rolls that were not bedside. It was an all-around negative experience from start to finish. I thought that for this reason I would be thrilled that it was over. I never have to see those people again (I already have a job offer out of state in another compact state and will not be working anywhere near any of them). No more clinical hours or mean preceptors or discussion posts or mean comments about my life choices from peers (one of whom told me that because I don't have kids I "hate children" - despite the fact I used to teach second grade). I never have to deal with any of that from those people again, and I'll get a job that, if I'm not treated fairly at, I can just work on finding another.

The issue is, though, since finishing classes, loved ones and those in my community keep being happy for me, but I'm not happy for myself. I don't know why. I know I've accomplished something huge, but I don't understand why I feel so apathetic and still feel so incredibly stressed. I'm still having dreams that I'm at my clinicals, or wake up thinking "oh my god I'm late" (my clinicals were 50 miles away from me each way, 13 hours long, multiple days a week, and I had to wake up at 4am to get to - the university chose our clinical hospitals instead of us finding our own, and we got what we got, no changes allowed). I feel like the NCLEX is looming over me like a dark cloud and I don't want to celebrate right now because it isn't truly finished, even though people keep treating me like it is.

I have a job lined up and desperately need to get this done so I can have an income again but I'm having a hard time focusing on anything to study for my NCLEX. All my peers yesterday looked so incredibly happy and were hugging each other and truly so ecstatic. I was the only person who wasn't smiling and jumping and hugging those around them and spreading the "congratulations" to classmates and family members and loved ones.

I'm assuming this is just burnout, but even if so, why am I not happy to have this resolution of a chapter, especially since it was a chapter I absolutely did not enjoy. Has anyone else had this experience, or does anyone have some advice they would like to share? I would really like to hear from others about their experiences and emotions surrounding graduation/pinning, similar or different.

Thanks for reading! I appreciate the community.