I'm sad tonight
...because I'm already in my early thirties, am AuDHD (which means I'm impossibly lucky to even make any friends, which haven't been happening for years by now), live in a country where anything queer was basically criminalized, and my social media feed brought me a picture of Haruka and Michiru. Sounds silly, right?
Well, they've been my sapphic awakening in my early 20s, and while I don't want romantic relationship per se (I'm an aroace sapphic), they reflect the sort of equal, cherished partnership I was always longing for. And I've really connected to Michiru since I was like 7 when I first saw her and read about her, even though I had no way to watch Sailor Moon.
But I'm also agender - I like putting on high femme style, but my personality just will never reflect that cunning, confident, gentle femininity Michiru has. Which stings a bit when you wanted to be like her since the age of 7. I'm mostly content with myself, but I just wish I could be *like that* at times, too.
The worst part is that being in a partnership like this one is just never going to happen to me. It's impossible for my dream from my teenage years (I've watched Sailor Moon in my early 20s but the relationship dynamic wasn't new to me by then) to ever come true. Not with a political regime like this (I can't move to another country either) - I can't even talk about my sexuality on social media, how am I supposed to find likeminded people my age? And not with my inability to attract people. Looks like it's just not in the cards for me. So... I kinda made peace with it months ago, but it still hurts sometimes.
I'm not sure why I made this post - I don't need reassuring that "everything will be ok you'll find your partner". Realistically, this isn't going to happen. Maybe I just don't want to be completely alone in this right now - I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels like this, so the ones who do aren't as alone now, too, I suppose.