u/Certain-Working1864

I often hold myself accountable for mistakes I’ve made for way too long. Whenever I have a chance to apologize or take an action to right my wrongs, I do. But regardless of if I’m forgiven or if I’m even given a chance to apologize, I harbor that guilt indefinitely. It’s especially difficult for me if someone I hurt is still affected by what I did.

Letting go of guilt feels like rejecting accountability, and I’ve learned that other people see it that way too. Society seems to be cruel to people who openly state they’ve moved on from their mistakes, reminding people that those they hurt can’t just move on and they’re not committed to change or growth.

When can I feel like I’ve done enough? When can I forgive myself? Everything I do to forgive myself feels like I’m justifying bad mistakes that badly hurt others.

EDIT: it’s especially unhelpful when I hear people talk about how watching those who hurt them move on with their lives without being affected further by it is so incredibly damaging for them and hurts them even more

I moved far away from home a few years ago, and I will not be moving back under any circumstances. I’ve been having a lot of issues socially since moving, though, and I’m getting a lot of the same complaints:

I’m too negative. I always complain. I need to stop venting if I don’t want solutions. I’m incapable of saying anything positive without throwing in something negative, which makes it no longer positive at all. I refuse to be happy and accept that sometimes nothing is wrong.

I really don’t see myself to be that negative, but I’m told that’s part of the problem. The fact that “my leg still hurts but it’s healing really well” doesn’t sound negative to me, for example, shows how cognitively distorted and toxic I am and how much I gaslight others into thinking they’re negative for taking it that way.

Incidentally, there are practically no Jews here. I don’t drive, so I don’t have access to Jewish communities (the closest town I can think of with a real Jewish presence is an hour away). I do know two other Jewish people, but one of them is another person who all of our mutual friends consider to be so negative that no one wants to be around her. The other works for the college’s Chabad and we don’t hang out much because of scheduling. I consider college students to be too close to being children to want to socialize with regularly, so I don’t go to Chabad events.

Also incidentally, I’ve been in therapy for decades and have made tons of progress…but am being told I’m more negative by peers.

How do you stop kvetching when you now live somewhere where you will have no friends, jobs, or partners if you continue?

EDIT: I knew I’d be without a Jewish community almost anywhere else in the country, and absolutely anywhere I can afford to live in. I didn’t realize how culturally different I’d be, though, aside from celebrating different holidays and having different values