I'm turning 18 in a few months and never have I felt more miserable about my self and life in general. I wanna treat this more as a vent post because Its just been building up inside of me and I wanna get it out. So thank you if you read through this.
As I said I'm 18 and I'm currently around a 145kg and that fucks me up so much. About a year ago I was at around 110kg slowly loosing weight,going to the gym and eventually reached about a 100kg. I'm about 6'2 so I was getting to a decent weight and that meant alot considering I was always a fat kid growing up. But then shit happened and I fell into this deep depression like state and that's how I ended up here 45 extra kgs gained disgusted with the way I look extremely anti social. I was never a social person nor was I ever really "happy" with the way I looked, from as long as I can remember I've been bullied for my weight and I feel like it's really taken a toll on me especially now. It's got to the point that I dread going outside which doesn't help with loosing weight. Idk where to start I feel so lost my binging is horrible every single day I eat and I feel like shit but I still continue the same routine the next day. What sucks about it is that I'm really close w my mom my dad hasn't been in the picture since I was like 5 and whenever I try talk to her about my problems it always turns into a fight cause she says I'm lazy and that I don't put effort into anything. YES I know I am lazy but it feels so fucking miserable to even wake up in the morning I'm not blaming her I can see why she would think I'm being lazy but man I just feel so alone when it comes to this I don't have any people I can relate to. I don't have much friends just around 3 I talk to everyday but I don't feel comfortable talking to them about my weight and self esteem issues it just sucks
What made me type this today is that I finally got my self to go to the gym to the first time today and someone straight up called me fat and that I need to loose weight. I'd understand if it was a trainer but like it was just a random guy and I hate how sensitive I get about fat comments and that just ruined my mood. I don't get why some people have to make comments when I'm at the gym trying to make a change. Anyways thanks if you even read this much this is a mess, I just wanted to get it out.