I’ve had three consecutive missed miscarriages, the last one was in October 2024. They were all first trimester losses. 7w, 8w, then 9w. I’m 33 and have chronic illness, which seems to be the root cause. I see a specialist who said she can’t tell me I’ll never have a successful pregnancy, but it will need to be planned and closely monitored and likely be very hard on my body.
I still desperately want a family in my heart, but I’m too terrified to put my mind and body through another loss. To get into my partner’s thoughts and feelings is a different conversation entirely.
Friends and family have been popping out kids with no problems. I’ve missed baby showers and completely ghosted a few friends. I feel horrible about it, like I actually hate myself for not being able to support them. But god, it hurts so much. Even walking past the baby aisle is still like twisting the knife in my gut.
When I do finally get out to see my nieces and nephews (both blood and not) it is pure bliss… until I get in my car and cry all the way home, cry in the shower, cry myself to sleep. They are so absolutely precious and it kills me to know that I probably won’t get to be a mom.
I just honestly don’t understand how people get through it and ever feel okay again. I’ve read posts and comments on this sub about losses much farther along than mine, and many more times than me. How are you guys getting through life? How do I patch the giant hole in my heart?