Here is a little background on me: I'm an 18F and have been struggling with questioning myself for years at this point. (Warning: This is pretty s*xual and I am only sharing this to see if other struggle with the same thing or if I might need some serious help).
Ever since I was very young (age 3 and up), I was very anxious, and found that I could calm myself or make myself feel better by doing certain things to myself for relief. This often included thoughts to go along with it. At the time, I didnt even know what I was doing but I knew that it made me feel better when I did it. I did this all the way until I was hitting puberty, and suddenly, I started to realize that this "activity" was a s*xual thing. When I was 13, I had full access to the internet and ended up finding things that only made it worse ( k*nk, f*tishes, etc.) I consumed this stuff constantly and I ruined my mind, developing many problematic interests. Later on, I was gr**med by an older man (21-22M) online when I was 14-15 years old for 9 months and that exposed me to things I never would have even imagined at the time. I was lonely, wanted a boyfriend, and believed he loved me, so i just accepted it. Later on, I felt like I needed this "activity" all the time to relieve any loneliness and anxiety I had. I got addicted to using AI chats and reading raunchy things as a guilty pleasure. I tried and viewed anything I could to make myself feel good and it was something I hid from everyone. Not even my parents knew anything about it. Without a doubt, I would always feel this underlying shame and guilt after it.
Going back to when I was a kid, I felt like I always struggled with intrusive thoughts and urges. Not things like obsessive handwashing but I do remember thoughts creeping into my head, making me worry that I would say or do something that would make people upset. For example, I used to worry I'd uncontrollably say naughty words to people I loved or I would hit someone for no reason, including feelings/urges that felt very real to me. I felt like I actually wanted to do these things and it was so scary.
For many years, these feelings died down but around the time I was 15-16, these thoughts came back but they were more problematic and p*rverted. My mind was incredibly destroyed by p*rverted and troublesome content at a young age that I would constantly have distressing thoughts about family, friends, etc. and that I secretly liked these gross thoughts and was just in denial. When doing certain "activities", I would try my best to avoid thinking of these things, worrying I'd find pleasure in them if I thought them (and maybe I did). I would go back into the past, when I was 3-4 years old and try to remember the thoughts I had and realized that many of them were very strange. It would be thoughts about family members, objects, etc. and I was horrified. I felt so dirty. Now I worry that I am secretly just a p*rverted human being and I was born that way. I grew up in an amazing/faith-based family with parents and siblings that loved me. Why was I like this? Why did I think these things?
Recently, it got worse when my s*xual thoughts drifted from just being s*xually taboo into being worried I was a "p" word. I hated the idea of being around kids and thought that since I "liked" so many taboo and weird things, maybe I was into that, also, or did this "activity" to those thoughts, even though I wasn't sure I did. It makes me feel so worried and whenever I listened to documentaries about troubled individuals or s*x offenders, I worried I was just like them and could act at any time. I feel like a predator. To me, everything is sexual and hypersexualized. My eyes drift to places they shouldn't, thoughts pop into my head that no normal person should ever think about. I hate being too close to people and worry my "urges" are just going to take over. I have groinal responses and constantly feel like I like things I shouldn't down there. It's the worst and I feel like I am secretly just a horrible, disgusting human being that needs to be in an institution or imprisoned somewhere. I never want to hang out with friends and like to keep distant, since I feel like I'm just pretending to be a nice, normal person when I'm not. I want marriage and a family one day, but believe myself to be too bad of a person to even do any of that. Like I deserve to be alone and rot somewhere because everyone is normal except me. I'm messed up and evil. I can never change because these thoughts/urges are who I am and I secretly enjoy them but pretend I don't like them. I don't even know anymore.
Does anyone struggle with this or should I really be concerned? Why did I struggle with these disturbing things, even at a young age? Was i too young for it to actually be sexual? Is this OCD? Is there something wrong with who I am?
P.S. I am also a Christian so this has really been hurting my relationship with God.
I need all the help I can get, but I can never be truly certain, which hurts a lot. I'm so scared a lot and these thoughts come along almost every day. Sometimes I can shrug them off, sometimes they really bother me.