Recently I’ve come to realise that I’ve spent a majority of my adult life up until now (I’m in my very early 30s) with a wall up, not allowing romantic partners see the depths of me unless they prove themselves to a certain extent. I don’t put people through challenges, it’s more that I subconsciously don’t trust them to stick around and expect them to leave, at which point it proves to me that I shouldn’t have opened myself up at all. I also fall into being self-sufficient to the point where I don’t allow the other person to see my faults/problems and therefore don’t give them the opportunity to help me through any issues or problems I may have or encounter whilst being with them. (Ie I had to go to the hospital for something whilst I was a few months into dating someone and I didn’t tell them until days later. I felt I would have burdened them/that it would have been too much if I told them I was there in the moment) But the irony of all of this is that I’m an incredibly deep person who longs and craves for a partnership with depth, vulnerability and profound love more than anything in the world. I’m currently in therapy trying to get to the bottom of this and break this pattern which hopefully will lead me to a patient partner who I feel safe with and who I can finally and slowly open up to with no walls up.
The interesting thing is, this pattern also has shown up in my regular life, I don’t like being perceived, and although I would consider myself confident in most aspects of life, there are many times when I feel exposed and uncomfortable when I’m alone in public (ie. standing at the bar waiting for a drink etc). On the outside I may look fine but inwards there’s a lot of overthinking happening. I think these two sorts of situations are inherently linked.
Has anyone ever felt this way? Would love to hear your experiences.