Tomorrow I have my final neuropsychological assessment appointment. The diagnosis is practically confirmed, and I'm hesitant to receive it with my family. My mother and sister have helped me a lot throughout the process, and in the beginning, my mother was patient with me, but in the last few weeks, she had a conversation with me about how I'm not helping myself and how I should try harder because we have control over our minds, not the other way around. This made me doubt myself a lot and shook me quite a bit. I already felt bad for being different, and I've been feeling even worse. I feel useless. I lost my job because of autistic burnout due to not being diagnosed earlier, and my mother doesn't want me to work until the results come out, and this hurts me because suddenly she no longer trusts my decisions and abilities. Lately, she's been making comments about how she feels sick seeing me when I'm overwhelmed by noises or disruptions to my routine. She acts as if I'm throwing a tantrum, and I feel bad for bothering her. Honestly, I don't know what to do. I wish I could explain. I'm trying to say these things to her, but it's very difficult to organize my thoughts into words, especially when talking to her. Any advice, please?
u/Careless-Acadia7513
My internal baseline is not defined by "happiness" or "sadness," but by a state of neutrality. When I am in a quiet, predictable environment, I feel balanced. However, I have an extreme physical sensitivity to sound. Unpredictable noises (like dogs barking or kids screaming) and constant loud hums (like inflatable blowers or loud bickering) cause a physical sensation of pressure in my chest and heaviness in my head. When this sensory load becomes too high, my brain "overheats" and I experience a shutdown during a shutdown, I often go mute and lose the ability to speak or interact. This is not a choice or a "tantrum"; it is a neurological limit.To manage this, I use specific regulation tools like noise-canceling headphones, a pacifier, or chewy candy. These provide the rhythmic sensory input and silence I need to keep my nervous system from crashing. My room is my "safe zone" where I go to recharge my battery; without this time alone, I cannot function. My relationship with my family is currently strained because they believe I can "rule over my mind" to stop these reactions. From my perspective, this is illogical, as I cannot use willpower to stop a physical sensory reflex. They often mistake my shutdowns for "bad moods" or "being difficult," which forces me to mask my true state to keep the peace. This "performance" is mentally exhausting and leads to deep burnout. Regarding social connections, my friendships are based on proximity. I can enjoy the company of people when they are physically present, but I do not feel a "social hunger" or an emotional need to maintain contact when they are away. I do not feel lonely when I am by myself; in fact, being alone is often the only time I feel truly at peace.