I'm living life while dead inside.
Hi. I'm 26 M. Bear with my writing, magulo po ako. Hahaha.
Welcome sa confession na hindi ko masasabi sa mga taong nakapaligid sakin, hindi dahil sa hindi nila ako maiintindihan, pero dahil ayaw ko na silang pag aalalahanin.
Tama yung title. I'm living life while dead inside. Honestly, hindi ko alam kung kailan nagsimula to, na para bang nakalimutan ko ano yung rason sa dami ng events sa buhay ko. Pero two things ang sure para sakin, I hate myself and I want to die.
Hindi naman nagkulang sa pagmamahal sakin ang family at friends ko, the only reason I keep existing is for their sake. Siguro, kung mag isa lang ako sa mundo, matagal nakong nawala. Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful for them, pero yung problema ko sa sarili ko can't be mediated by love from others.
Ilang beses na rin ako nag attempt to kill myself. 3 in the last decade, all failures dahil hindi ko kayang makita yung mga tao sa paligid ko na malungkot. Pero dahil diyan, I ended up hurting myself more. Bruises, cuts, scars, laging yang present sa katawan ko, even now. Hindi ko alam kung bakit and fucked up siya pero, it feels good hurting myself, I laugh when I hurt myself. Ang tumatak lagi sa isip ko when doing it "Sinasaktan ko yung taong pinapahirapan ako at mga taong mahal ko" and it always feels justified to do it. This got my people and theraphist fucked up.
Yes, nagpa therapy nako so hindi ko nakailangan mag trauma dump dito, hahahaha. I got prescribed anti-depressants and anti-psychosis meds, and I take them regularly. I'm diagnosed with PDD and PTSD, with my theraphist hinting that I may have DID pero hindi pa siya solid diagnosis. Pero even with this, parang hindi parin ako gumagaling, and probably will not.
I gave up on myself a long time ago, pero I'm still alive. I only want to see my family and friends happy as long as I can. Even if they ask me about what is happening with me, just grit your teeth and lie, as their happiness matters more than mine. Till the day I die, I'll probably still feel this way. So when that day comes, let it be soon.
Thanks for listening to my confession.