I constantly think about killing myself, and I can’t stop. It’s like everything I do makes me have the urge to do it, and I’m trying so hard not to. I know I need help, but I have no money for therapy or a mental hospital, nor do I have insurance. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just feel like no matter what, I’m gonna feel like this and that one day I might follow through with it.
Earlier today, me and my fiances cat knocked my ps5 controller down, so i spanked him, and i didnt do it hard. I did it how you would if you were playing with him, and i told my fiance about it, and he said that he doesnt believe me about me spanking him lightly, and he said in his exact words that “i know how angry you can get aka my leg,” and he is talking about when i accidentally hit him in the leg with more force than i intended to use because he was whipping me in the face and eyes with a pair of shorts, and i kept asking him to stop. Ive already said a million times how bad i felt. I even relapsed and cut myself because i felt like all i do is make things worse for everybody around me, and i felt like i didnt deserve to be here anymore because of it. Even when i explain to him that i am sorry that i did it and i felt really bad about it, he just keeps bringing it up, and it makes me wanna kms more and more every time he does. I just feel worse about it and feel like i shouldn’t be here. I cant talk to him about this because i’m not good at talking to people about my feelings which is why i use reddit. And he constantly brings up throwing me out of our room for rent and threatens it by saying he will tell people about it and i have nowhere else to go if he does nor do i want to go anywhere else i really do love him and he acts like i don’t which makes me think he is starting to not love me. All i want is to fix our relationship and i don’t know how.
I’m 18, and I’ve never had a job. I keep applying to jobs, but I get no response or get denied, even though I keep calling and applying literally everywhere around me. I never finished school, and I tried my GED, but I couldn’t even finish that. I feel like shit for that as well, because before my mom passed, I wanted to at least get my GED for her, and I feel like she died thinking I was a failure. All I want is to do something right for once and stop fucking up. Every day, I’m reminded that nothing I do has had a good outcome and that I keep making things worse, and I’m tired of it. All it does is depress me more and more.