I really underestimated the intensity, or overestimated my own stability. Or both.
TL;DR - I only lasted two days at the 10-day course, but I’m going back as soon as I learn to forgive myself.
I attended the 10-day course in Joshua Tree at the end of March. Or, rather, I tried. For some context, I have a small amount of Vipassana training, more training in Transcendental Meditation, have been on and off with some form of meditation for over a decade. However, my life at the moment is incredibly unstable. I am three months sober, going through a divorce (or not, jury’s still out), and in the middle of a career transition. Also, anxiety, depression, OCD, and lots of childhood trauma that has surfaced but not processed.
I was honest about all of this in my application. We had a phone interview and the teacher I spoke with said this could be very intense for people with my history. I insisted that I understood, and thought that a lifetime of “riding it out”, whether through panic attacks or bad drug trips, had prepared me for what I might face. It had not.
I lasted two days.
Halfway through day one I completely broke down. I was crying and I couldn’t get ahold of myself. I spoke with the manager and the teacher, and was able to pull it together to make it through the night session and discourse. I had also, however, started sweating uncontrollably. My nervous system had hone completely haywire. I was sweating buckets and could not regulate my body temperature; and their air conditioning is ICY!
My issue largely goes back to the last sentence of my opening paragraph: unprocessed trauma. By day two, I was reliving a traumatic memory every time I closed my eyes. I spoke with the teacher before the evening session and he was very understanding. He said they would support any decision I made, and that I would be welcome back in the future. I decided to leave and immediately felt better. I also left with a clear idea of how to proceed, so it wasn’t a total wash.
And the weird thing is, I do want to go back. Not for a while, at least a year or two. For me, this was always about truly connecting with myself, and that door is still open. I just have to forgive him before I can walk through it.