I’ve been abusing my stimulants…. [26M, QLD]
Apologies, as this is a long one..
It’s been going on for about 6 months intermittently… I’m on 70mg of Vyvanse & have dex booster top ups in the arvo. I’d only ever take 1x daily, and have done for 5 years, until recently where I accidentally took 2x. It felt great and I had a productive day but that was it. it wasn’t until a few weeks following I started opening the capsules and sipping half then taking the other half later if needed, often not even long after my first dose. The past week I’ve been taking 140-210mg daily which has kinda just pushed me into “ok what the fuck… something has to change and asap.” territory.
I’ve also been taking Dex frequently in the evenings for the past 3 months; driving home after work, when I get home, right before bed, 3am etc. I often sleep too deep (life even pre-stimulants) and take forever to get out of bed, don’t fully feel awake until maybe 5pm. I may have sleep apnea however the home-based test begged to differ. My partner has recorded me snoring (I’ve also used apps to record) and it’s like it gets louder and louder until eventually I do a loud snort then I go quiet. Most evenings, if I’ve had the single vyvanse in the morning, I’ll take between 4-12 5mg Dex tablets over the course of the evening just because I keep going “ahh just one more, actually 3x is the magic number usually” etc. etc.
I keep managing to dial it back after these hard slip ups and go back to the single Vyvanse dose again, then eventually the cycle starts all over again. I drive a lot for work and spend a lot of time working in solitude, so that certainly doesn’t help. I often work long hours, up to about 50-55 a week and about 100,000km a year, and by the time the weekend comes around I just want to sleep and not really talk to anyone.
I have no idea what to do… If I told my psychiatrist I’d disappoint her so much but would absolutely prefer that over finding out following a potential hospitalisation. I know, it’s either I tell her now or she finds from a potentially far worse situation.
Just to name a few symptoms of what I experience daily, all of which even predates Vyvanse use; I’ve awful brain fog, visual depth perception issues (like a low frame rate movie or skipping frames), no sex drive & low sensitivity, brow pressure and these warm, flushing feelings in my neck that feels like my head unclogging, where funnily enough many of these symptoms start to dissipate and I become more grounded and human. I swear my brow ridge grows more & more every year. So yeah, basically Vyvanse is like my escape or distraction from all this in a way. Even if it’s a worse feeling and result, it gives me something else to focus on.
Also I’d like to apologise sincerely as I’d imagine situations like these ultimately lead to worse outcomes for those reaching out for treatment, which ultimately leads to more restricted access to the medication and a general painful process for everyone…
Has anyone else been through this? How did you approach it, how are you now and ultimately what changed?