u/Calm_Question9973

I apologize for my writing, I know it’s all over the place. I just can’t think straight rn. So I rescued a standard size goldendoodle when he was 2 years old. I was his 6th home and when I brought him home I knew he would be mine forever. We bonded instantly. He’d suffered abuse and neglect from a few of the previous owners so I knew I would never give him up and would take good care of him. All he ever wanted was to be loved back the way he loved. In fact, I completely rearranged my life for him. He had the worst separation anxiety in the world, literally, he knew how to unlock deadbolts and turn door knobs. He also knew how to get into the pantry and open up canned goods lol. If he was left alone he would either destroy the place or escape, therefore he was never left alone. I ended up getting a work from home job just to be with him all the time. He was my best friend, my soulmate. I always swore he was a human in a past life. He was so incredibly emotionally intelligent. It’s like he understood things on a deeper level. I had a traumatic childhood and I think that might be why we bonded so well. We were both exactly what each other needed. It’s like we both knew how dark life could be. Anyway, in August 2025 he randomly developed a limp in his front right leg. Took him to the vet, he was diagnosed with arthritis and given carprofen to take daily. After starting the medication, the limp improved and he was back to normal for a couple months. Then in mid-November, he plummeted. The limp came back but was worse then when it started and he was also lethargic, not acting like himself at all. Took him back to the vet, vet decided to run a tick borne illness panel because he was running fever. He tested positive for Ehrlichia. The vet said it’s likely he’s had it for a while, probably in the chronic stage at this point and probably causing his symptoms. He was started on a 30 day run of doxycycline and prednisone and was prescribed gabapentin as well. At this point, his symptoms seemed to be waxing and waning. Some days were good, others were not. When the medications were completed, he never returned back to normal. It continued, some days good, others not. It was a steady decline. I kind of thought, ok well it’s a chronic illness so maybe this is what the remainder of his life is going to be like. His shoulder literally kept swelling also. It was a gradual grow, but it literally increased everyday. I ended up taking him back to the vet again and they did another x ray and said they are usually concerned about bone cancer in dogs his age (10) but that she didn’t see any cancer signs on the x ray. She thought maybe he had a soft tissue injury, and referred us to another vet for a CT. I called to schedule and they told me the CT alone would be $2,000, not including anesthesia and labs. I couldn’t afford that so decided to keep him on gabapentin and carprofen for inflammation and pain. Over the next 6 days after declining the CT, his health kept going downhill and his shoulder kept swelling. He was literally carrying around an extra 10 lbs of weight in that shoulder. He refused to eat, drink water, I was having to feed him ice just to keep him hydrated. It was weird though. In the back of my mind this whole time it was like I knew this was the end but I couldn’t admit it to myself. On the other hand, I thought, well the vet doesn’t seem to be too concerned and I’m not a vet so wtf do I know. On his last day, it became obvious this was the end. He collapsed when I tried to take him outside and his gums turned white. I immediately knew ok he’s dying…. I need to put him down. We cuddled on the floor until the vet appointment that afternoon. It was almost as if he knew it was the end as well and we just stared in each others eyes like we were both saying goodbye. That afternoon at the vet, the x ray picked up significant changes since the previous x ray done 3 weeks prior. It turned out to be an aggressive soft tissue cancer that had now eaten into the bone and metastasized to the lungs. I held him in my arms and told him how good of a boy he is and how much I loved him as he passed. It’s been 3 months. Sometimes I feel numb, other times I feel ok, sometimes it feels like a gut punch. I feel a physical hole in my chest. I feel so alone in this world without him. I feel so guilty. I should’ve known. I should’ve had him put down sooner. Idk what to do with my life now. I feel like no one around me understands the emptiness I feel.