Today I just learned that I could've been diagnosed with ADHD early on in childhood, and that I could've not gone through the last 12 years of dysfunctional hell.
I've recently been struggling (even more so) with school and my mental health, to the point where I've started seeing a therapist and a pharmacist/psychiatrist about getting diagnosed and receiving medication for ADHD. School has always been a big struggle with me as I'd struggle with things like task management, attention span, and that sort of thing. I'd first realized something was wrong when I was around 13-14 and tried to talk to my dad about getting medicated, but he always refused because he was worried I'd overdose and kill myself, or I was just drug seeking for Adderall. He always told me that I didn't need it, that my "ADD" lets me be more creative and see and do things in a different way than most people and that it made me smarter, and that he "was probably a little ADD" himself.
While in the car ride to school today he told me a story he's told me many times in the past about how a medical condition I had when I was a baby lead to my schools thinking I was deaf and possibly intellectually disabled, which lead me to being tested and finding out I was actually quite above average intelligence. He tells me this story whenever I feel insecure about school or my intelligence as a sort of light hearted validation. However, he told me a new detail, that there apparently had been one teacher at my elementary school who kept insisting on some form of accommodations for me and that I should be seen for my "Executive function".
When he said that I kinda just, stopped thinking.
All this time I thought I wasn't trying hard enough, that I just needed to focus and lock in, all this time I had a disability and I didn't even know it.
All this because my dad couldn't be bothered to learn the term "executive function" and think I couldn't be smart and mentally handicapped at the same time.
I don't know what hurts more, the fact that my traits were noticable at an early age and I could've been treated and avoided so much heartache, or that because of my dad didn't listen to me and his reluctance to me being medicated to stimulants I've continued to struggle even more until I've become a shell of myself.
This was the last thing I ever wanted to hear. I can't bring myself to do anything anymore, I just want to lay in bed and cry myself to sleep and never wake up. All this just days before my final exams too. I've nearly failed grade quarters multiple times, I've lost friends, I've lost things, I've spent months not living but just existing because of my dysfunction, and I could've avoided that?
I just needed to get this off my chest because if I don't it's going to be all I think about. Any response to this post is fine, I can barely care. I'm just so tired, I'm so tired and so sad.
I don't know what to think anymore.