A bit of a potted life story, so apologies in advance!
So I’ve had a bit of a journey to finding myself. Both of my parents are Jewish, and their parents, and their parents, and so on and so forth. But I had a totally non-religious upbringing. I don’t just mean secular, I mean quite an anti-religious staunch atheist household. My dad said his orthodox parents thrust religion upon him so much that it completely turned him off it, while my mum’s family were never really religious (even as far back as my great grandparents).
About the only religion I had any exposure to growing up, through school and friends, was Christianity. It was the only way growing up of really connecting with any religion, although I never went to services/took communion or anything like that, nothing beyond being educated in church schools.
As I’ve grown up, Judaism has become more and more important to me. A few years back I started attending shul regularly, a fairly middle-of-the-road movement for a couple of years, and about a year ago a more orthodox shul, which I find gives me what I’ve been longing for. I finally feel like I’m in the right place, surrounded by people who share my feelings and belief.
The problem lies in having had a tattoo with friends when I was young and far too easily led. And not just any tattoo, but a crucifix on my forearm. This is something I hate (I don’t know why I did it) and leaves me feeling like a fraud and really torn, like my body doesn’t belong to myself. On a more practical note, it also means I can hardly wear tefillin, as then everybody would see it.
While it does serve as a reminder to not make the same mistakes of a past where I was easily led to not be myself, and in a very odd way kind of represents a part of my own journey to my faith, it simply has to go. The easiest and quickest thing would be to get it covered with something, but in an orthodox shul I think it’s fair to say this would still not be well received if I was to wear tefillin. So I think the best option, even though much longer, is to try the full removal process.
I’m not too sure on the purpose of this post. I guess, just feeling quite sad and disappointed with my younger self, upset that I never had a Jewish upbringing (or even having been brought up with any observance/respect towards Judaism), and wanting to get it off my chest! I feel so awful and as if I’ve virtually forgone my right to even practice my own religion.