I (25F) and my boyfriend (25M) have been together for 5 years. We were classmates in school, good friends first, and then started dating after school ended. After 6 months, it turned into long distance and has been that way ever since.
I’ve had 2 relationships before him. He, on the other hand, has never been in a relationship before me. And this difference… ended up playing a huge role in everything that followed.
He knows almost everything about my past. The thing is, I never liked discussing my exes because those experiences were honestly traumatic. They weren’t healthy relationships, and I just wanted to move on from that phase. So whenever he brought it up, I would avoid the topic or change it.
From my perspective, it felt unnecessary to revisit something that had nothing to do with our present. But for him, it felt like I was hiding something. And deep down… I knew I was.
After about 2 years into our relationship, during one such conversation, something just broke inside me and I told him the one thing I had been hiding: I had gone to my ex’s place once( it was before we started dating) and something happened there.
For me, it wasn’t something meaningful. It was just part of a bad past I wanted to forget. But I didn’t tell him earlier because I was scared — scared he would judge me, leave me, or think differently of me.
That day broke him.
He cried for the first time. For him, I was his first love, and the thought of me being physically close to someone else—even in the past—completely shattered him.
After that, things were never the same.
We stayed together. We still loved each other deeply. But something changed. The trust wasn’t the same from his side. He became more possessive. That one truth kept coming between us again and again, especially because we were in long distance.
We somehow managed. We met a few times a year, and every time we met, it felt like nothing was wrong. But distance always brought those thoughts back.
Then something happened that I never thought he was capable of.
About a year after that incident, he came to meet me. The day before, he told me he was going to a party with his coursemates. The next day when we met, everything felt normal… except he kept saying “sorry” again and again. I didn’t think much of it at that time.
Six months later, we planned a 5-day stay together — the longest time we had ever spent together.
The first few days were perfect. Exactly what I had always dreamed of. Cooking together, laughing, talking… everything felt right.
Then one afternoon, while he was sleeping, I casually picked up his phone. It wasn’t about checking — we’ve always had open access to each other’s phones.
I was going through his gallery, then opened WhatsApp, and randomly clicked on a friend’s chat.
And that’s when everything fell apart.
I saw messages. A screen recording of a girl’s status. And the way he was talking about her… it was vulgar. It didn’t feel like the person I knew.
I froze. My hands were shaking. I couldn’t process anything.
I woke him up and asked him directly who she was.
What followed broke me completely.
He told me that he had met that girl. That his coursemate had given him her number. They planned to meet at a café, but she asked him to come to her flat instead… and he went.
Something happened there. I still don’t know what exactly, and honestly, I don’t think I can ever handle knowing.
He said he wasn’t into her. That he was thinking about me the entire time. That he left her place late at night and went to a friend’s place instead.
But his reason for doing all this…
He said he wanted me to feel what he felt when I told him about my past. He wanted me to understand his pain.
That day destroyed me.
I locked myself in the bathroom and cried like I’ve never cried before. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The 5 days I had waited for turned into my worst nightmare.
And the worst part?
Even in that moment, I blamed myself.
I kept thinking — if I had told him everything earlier… if I hadn’t hidden anything… maybe this would have never happened.
It’s been 1.5 years since that incident.
We’re still together. We still love each other deeply. And logically, I know he won’t do something like that again.
But emotionally… I’m stuck.
"Pata hai aaj kya hua".. I woke up with that exact same feeling I had that day. That heaviness, that panic, that pain. I started crying the moment I woke up. I didn’t feel like myself at all.
I feel like I’ve lost a part of who I was.
And I don’t know how to heal from this.